Why can’t my child calm down?
Recently we talked about what coregulation is and why it matters. If you missed that one, you can find it HERE.
This week, let’s dive into why kids need coregulation at all.
Self-regulation (the ability to soothe oneself) is a skill that develops S.L.O.W.L.Y. in young children. It begins in babyhood (think of the child who wakes up in the night and then puts themselves back to sleep), but it continues…
INTO ADULTHOOD!!!
It develops in fits and starts and sometimes takes one step forward and two steps back.
That’s what’s typical.
Now let’s think about our Orchid Kids. In general, Orchid Kids have brains that are developing a little bit (or a lot) differently from the expected path. In many cases, Orchid Kids’ brains have a hard time regulating, and their self-regulation skills are delayed or developing differently from other kids.
Here’s what that looks like in real life:
When my ice cream falls, it feels like THE END OF THE WORLD and I have a BIG REACTION that lasts A LONG TIME.
When the seam of my sock is rubbing on my pinkie toe, it feels like THE END OF THE WORLD and I have a BIG REACTION that lasts A LONG TIME.
When I can’t have the toy/screen/person that I really really want, it feels like THE END OF THE WORLD and I have a BIG REACTION that lasts A LONG TIME.
At Raising Orchid KIds, we call those “Exploders”. If you have an Exploder, you know who you are.
But, here’s what immature self-regulation can look like too:
When I dropped the bowl and it broke, I FROZE LIKE A STATUE and couldn’t look at anyone or say any words.
When that kid came up to me on the playground, I FROZE LIKE A STATUE and then said I wanted to go home even though I love being there.
When the teacher called on me in class, I FROZE LIKE A STATUE and didn’t say anything, which got me in trouble for being defiant.
We call these guys “Imploders”. It’s less dramatic on the outside, but just as dramatic on the inside.
The external presentation of the Exploder and the Imploder look different, but internally, neurochemically, they’re both examples of an overwhelming stress response.
Too much stress causes dysregulation.
Brains that have a hard time recovering from dysregulation will stay in stress longer than other brains.
Those brains need an external source of regulation in order to come back “online”.
Which is why CO-regulation is so important.
Except that sometimes the thing that is causing the Orchid Kid so much stress shouldn’t be (We think).
And yet it is.
That stress response is real (both psychologically and neurochemically) to the Orchid Kid.
And no amount of talking, cajoling, reasoning or explaining is going to make it not be stressful at that moment. (Remember, learning only happens OUTSIDE of overwhelm).
So, why can’t Orchid Kids stay calm?
The short version is: because their brains aren’t cooked yet. Their self-regulation system (their internal ability to stay calm and respond to the world) is developing more slowly or in a different way from what we might expect. And if you remember from last week, you get to decide what you think about that.
I can hear the question you’re asking next, though.
What can I DO about it??? Here are 3 things.
1. There are ways to teach self-regulation skills over the long term, so it’s totally worth figuring out what works for your child to stretch their skills just enough in little chunks.
2. It’s also totally worth figuring out what to change in their environment so that they can stay regulated longer. Do they need:
an earlier bedtime?
some occupational therapy?
more physical activity?
a less busy (or more busy) schedule?
some changes to their diet?
fewer demands placed on them?
more snuggles and connection time?
3. Keeping yourself regulated (i.e. calm). Parents who are calm (and do what they have to do in order to stay that way for longer periods of time) are able to help kids who are not calm.
See if you can notice how much more creative, in control and smart you are when you’re calm vs. when you’re not.