Change the rules around aggravation.

Here’s a story from Jen Dryer about an experience she had with her Orchid son, Max, last year. We're big fans of finding Joy in Aggravation!

My son, Max, used to love Aggravation. Now, I’m not just talking about how he can aggravate his family, teachers and classmates. Which he can. Often. 

The Aggravation I’m talking about here is an old school board game with marbles that has been updated (or “modded,” as Max might say), and it was one of Max’s favorite games for a while. 

There are moments in the game when someone’s marble might land on yours and send yours all the way back to the start position (which is very aggravating, so it's well named). So, as simple as the game is, there are lots of *managing frustration* practice embedded in it. And, there is some basic strategy involved and it does NOT involve a screen! Hallelujah! Sounds like the Holy Grail in game box form, right?

There are some clear rules in Aggravation. Max, typically likes rules, and often gets upset when someone tries to subvert or change them, especially midstream. This is pretty common among Orchid kids, and especially those who, like Max, are autistic.

One day, while Max and I were into our third turn of Aggravation, he suddenly announced that we should add additional dice to our rolls and that we should be able to choose how many we would like to use for each turn. I turned to him, shocked, and said, “Really???” With a devilish grin, he exclaimed, “Yeah! Let’s try it!” He grabbed another game that has colored dice and dropped them on the center of the board.

If my older son had switched some things around in a game, I would not have batted an eyelash. But for Max, this was totally new. So, I rolled with it. Literally. We added the dice, he came up with all kinds of rules for which colors could be used when, and he explained all the new rules excitedly. I was thrilled. He beat me, as usual, but I felt like I had somehow won.

When Max changed the rules of Aggravation that day, I quietly noticed the shift and the growth. I felt all my feelings of pride and wonder, and said to him, “that was cool how you thought of a new way to play this game and that your brain was flexible enough to find creative new ways to add interesting new parts to the game.” He beamed, we continued playing (with all the dice), and I wondered how this newfound creativity would manifest elsewhere in his world.

There are moments in our Orchids’ development that can feel like inflection points, where a small shift can signal real, meaningful growth and an acquisition of a new skill. However, those always need to come when the moment is right, and that moment is never chosen by us. It will often come at an unsuspecting moment, and often in a different chronological timeframe than for a neurotypical child. 

So, like when I took Max on the same hiking path for what felt like countless days before he was open and ready to try a new route, honoring our Orchid Kids’ timeline for readiness in embracing new skills is critical for finding their Just Right Challenge.

And, letting them take the lead can create wholly unpredictable and magical results. It tells them you trust them, that they are competent, and provides that feeling of autonomy that SO many Orchids (and non-Orchids!) crave. 

As one fellow Orchid parent in our Membership program recently noted, sometimes you have to go slow to go fast. I agree 100%. And, giving our Orchid Kids the space and encouragement to take the lead is another  to move everyone forward.