Is Charming With Adults But Has a Hard Time With Children

As we go back to more and more in-person social situations (and camp and SCHOOL - GASP!), those of us in early childhood work are expecting that some kids will experience difficulty with the transition.

One of the ways that this might manifest is a child who is extremely comfortable with adults, but not at all comfortable with kids.

They might stay on the periphery of a group.

They might insist on sitting right next to (or ON) a teacher.

They might refuse to go to school or camp.

And we could rationalize it by acknowledging that, for many kids, the past year has been largely devoid of kid-kid interaction. And I’m sure that is part of the reason.

But this is something we see a lot at SpeechKids, and there are a couple of different reasons for it. The main reason, however, is this:

Kids are UNPREDICTABLE. It’s hard to know what they’ll do next sometimes. Personally, I find that delightful, and it keeps me on my toes, but….

Here are some ways that the unpredictability of kids can get in the way of social interaction (and why some kids prefer to only deal with adults):

1. Kids are physically unpredictable. 

If I’m not feeling 100% steady in my own body (because my brain is misinterpreting sensory information, for example), then the last thing I want to be around is another child. Kids run, they move erratically, they are constantly in motion. If my brain is wired to perceive sudden movement as threatening, guess what?! That “friend” on the playground is a threat that I don’t know how to handle. Better to check in with mom or dad or nanny than risk physical harm.

Literally, this is what kids’ brains are thinking sometimes. Wild, right?!

So, this is the kiddo who watches other kids play. Who is “cautious”. Who sits with an adult. Who looks like they want to join in, but also like they just can’t. (Do you have one of these?)

1. Kids are verbally unpredictable. And kids sometimes don’t speak clearly.

Kids are not very good at knowing how much information other people need in order to understand what they’re talking about at any given moment. Depending on the age of the child, they might just start talking about something they saw or something they’re thinking about without stopping to consider that the person they’re talking to has NO IDEA what they mean. And, some kids use speech patterns that are hard to understand if you’re not really paying attention.

We adults are usually pretty good, either at asking questions for clarification or just pretending we understand. 

Kids are not. Not even close.

If a kid doesn’t understand what another child is saying, they’re out. Done. Finished. Next!

1. Kids are not good at conversational repair.

Let’s face it, many kids are not yet very good at conversation, let alone trying to figure out a misunderstanding when they hear one. Again - we adults can repair a communication breakdown pretty easily (most of the time). But kids lack experience and practice with this skill. So, if there’s a breakdown in communication between kids, that interaction either escalates (think shoving, pushing, pulling) or it’s over. 

A certain amount of communication breakdown is expected. And I suspect that many many kids will experience some issues as they head back to group care situations.

Here’s the thing, though: 

Most kids will adjust pretty quickly.

Most kids will figure out how to talk, play and interact with other kids.

Most kids’ brains are wired to do that.

But some kids’ brains aren’t. (And, if you haven’t noticed - those are the ones I think about… a lot!)

As most of the children are adjusting to their new social life among same-aged peers, there will be some kids who need a little more support. They will stand out to their teachers and caregivers as “slow to warm” or “cautious” or “shy”. They will be chatty with adults, but then clam up in front of a peer.

Pay attention to this. It matters. 

We want kids to experience success with social communication. We want kids to want to play and talk to other kids (and not just adults). And sometimes, just sharing space isn’t enough. Some kids need a little push; a little scaffolding; a little support to help them engage productively.

If you’ve got a little one who seems to prefer talking to adults most of the time; if you’re wondering about whether your child’s social interaction skills are tracking, pay attention to that feeling. Ask the questions. Seek help. It’s here for you.