Validate vs. Give In
She just wants mama. She keeps saying “mama, mama mama!” But Mama’s upstairs working and it’s Dad’s turn to play. Dad distracts, redirects and tries to help her forget that what she really wants is Mama.
Or
He walks over to the pantry and points and babbles. It’s clear that he wants a snack, but it’s not snack time yet. You wave a toy in front of his face in an attempt to get him away from the pantry door.
Has this been you?
You know what your child wants, but they just can’t have it now. It stresses you out, because you know that they really really want it. And they’ll probably cry if they can’t have it.
It feels tempting to try and ignore your child’s desire and distract them toward something that is possible; something that they can have.
But, here’s the problem with this approach. Sometimes, we make things worse.
Validating an emotion or a desire - no matter how random or impossible - is almost always a good idea.
Validation is free.
Validation is...well.. validating.
It can be the gift that we give a child who’s struggling with their own mind.
They really want that cookie! Right now.
They really want mama! Right now!
It’s just true: they want those things.
Saying it or not saying it doesn’t make them any less true.
Not acknowledging the urges doesn’t make them any less urgent.
And here’s the thing:
Articulating those desires -- particularly when your child can’t do it for themselves -- will let your child know that you hear them. That you understand. That you’re sympathetic.
Now, before you go all “But I can’t just let them do whatever they want all the time” on me, let me be clear:
Validating is NOT THE SAME as giving in.
Validating just means acknowledging that your child wants something.
And validating is only part of what you’ll do in these sticky situations.
What to do about that is completely up to you.
You might choose to take your little one up to see Mama. Or not.
You might choose to give your child a snack even though it’s not snack time. Or not.
As long as you’re clear in your communication, and recognize that there are consequences to any response, it’s all good.
For example, if you choose to take your child up to see Mama, there’s a good chance that Mama will be busy and won’t be able to cuddle your little one the way they’d like. Which might trigger a meltdown. Or not.
If you don’t take your child up to see that Mama’s working, it might trigger a meltdown. Or not.
If you know that your child is growing, had a small breakfast and might still be hungry, you might decide to adjust the snack schedule, which might trigger a meltdown. Or not.
If your child had an enormous breakfast, you might wait to give your child a snack, which might trigger a meltdown. Or not.
The trick is to know and like your reasons for acting or not acting.
And this is where folks get tripped up. Because they feel like there’s only one answer.
But if you’ve been on the Mommy Facebook Groups lately, you know there are 1132346 different responses to the same situation.
No one can tell you what the right answer is.
Because there is no right answer.
There’s only the answer that you decide on and decide to live with.
If you feel like you need some tools to help you figure out what answers you want to live with, we are here to help. Reach out with questions.
All my best -Gabriele