They Won’t Grow Up To Be Jerks

I’ve coached enough families by now to know that manners are a big topic of discussion. We want our kids to have Good Manners. We don’t want them to be rude. We want them to be Nice People. We don’t want them to be Jerks.

We want them to say “please” and “thank you”.

We want them to chew with their mouths closed.

We want them to appreciate the things we do for them.

It turns out that kids have to be a little older in order to appreciate the things we do for them (like a lot older. Like, basically, adults), so we’re gonna let that one lie for now (and come back to it later).

But, for the basics, like “please” and “thank you”, here’s what you need to know:

Your children will need MANY MORE PRACTICE OPPORTUNITIES of this than you think they should need.

Particularly for kids who are late talkers or who have any kind of expressive or receptive language delay, repetition is hugely important. It might take a child with autism many many practices to master the art of saying “thank you”. It might take a child with apraxia - who has trouble saying sounds - many opportunities to say “please” in a recognizable way.

Here’s the good news: there are TONS of opportunities during the week to teach and practice manners. And if we can stay calm while we repeat ourselves 10000000000 times, our kids will also stay calm enough to learn them.

Manners are learned mostly by modeling, not by teaching. Which means that our kids need to SEE US USING OUR MANNERS and then also practice using theirs

Many

Times.

You’ll have an easier time teaching manners if you embed them into daily life. Check out the video for exactly how to do this, but here are the basics. If you build the practicing and the modeling of manners into your daily routine, you’ll be practicing them consistently and frequently. And that’s how you get to mastery.

So, if YOU say, “Thanks, mom” every time you hand your child an item that they want, your child will hear you say that 134594583 times and eventually begin to repeat it (because it’s just what happens). See how easy that is? So much easier than yelling at your kid every time they forgot to say “thank you”.

And WAY more effective. I promise.When our kids are little, it can feel like they are the most monstrously selfish, narcissists in the whole wide world. No one EVER knew a narcissist like your toddler. Like your preschooler. Like your grade schooler. Like your tween. Like your teen.

It’s true. Kids are narcissists. But not because they have a disorder.

It’s because it’s developmentally appropriate for children to be narcissistic. It’s how they’re wired for now. For a while, actually.

So, rather than fight it, go with it. Accept how their brains work and move on.

But also know this:

When your child is acting like a jerk over a period of time, consider it a cry for help.

Consider that there is something about their environment that’s not working. Get curious about what it might be.

Is school too hard? Is your child over (or under) sensitive to sensory stimuli? Does your child worry too much for “no good reason”? Is there behavior related to certain people? Certain places? Certain times of day?

When the kids are acting like jerks, one of the best things we can do as parents is to lean in and spend more time - not less - with our kids.

We just wrapped up a series on Time In, so if you missed it or need a refresher, check it out. The time you spend with your kids now pays off later. In lots of areas. Manners too.