Parents are emotion coaches part two

The Gist:

If we can stay in a coaching role, we can allow our kids to make their own mistakes (and have their own feelings)
We can both acknowledge feelings and shape behavior (but we need to stay calm in order to do that)
All feelings are ok - what we DO with those feelings needs shaping up sometimes

If we accept that we are emotion coaches for our kids, then we also accept that we have to allow our kids to have their own experiences so that they can learn from them.

This can be HARD! It’s hard to watch someone struggle when we know they don’t “need” to.

We know that the fact that the sandwich is cut into squares and not triangles is not cause for a meltdown.

But in the moment of disappointment, our kids really don’t.

We know that nothing justifies throwing all your books on the floor in anger.

But in the moment of anger, our kids really don’t.

In the accompanying video, I allude to a story of a child taking all the books off his bookshelf one day in a fit of rage. What I don’t say in the video is that that child was my three year old son. I’ll never forget that day because it was the first time that he had really “acted out” in anger. And I didn’t really know what to do. I managed to watch it happen (in horrified fascination as I recall) and realize that there wasn’t anything I could do in the moment to stop him without making things worse.

I managed to realize in the moment:

It’s not about the books.

It’s about the anger.

The books are just the vehicle.

So, I didn’t need to say anything about the books. I needed to talk about the anger.

I wanted to talk about the books. I wanted to tell him, “That’s not how we treat books” “you need to be careful with your possessions”, “If you keep throwing things, I will take them away”.

But I didn’t.

I let him make his own “mistake” in the moment.

I acknowledged his feeling (anger) without becoming angry at him or trying to make him feel a different way (HARD!).

When our kids are having big emotions, the thing they need most from us to be able to “make their own mistakes”.

To feel the feeling.

To experience it all the way through.

To hear us name what they’re feeling, acknowledge and let it be ok.

Because you can’t change the size of someone else’s emotion.

Even if the thing is not “worth” being upset about.

Even if the other person is having a big fat feeling about an itty bitty issue.

This. Can be. So. Hard.

We want to fix it. We want to make everything be ok. We want them to calm the heck down and get on with their life already!

But we have to wait.

We have to stay calm.

And, if we stay calm, we can acknowledge the feeling while also shaping behavior (and decrease the likelihood that the “acting out” will happen again).

If we stay calm, and in our coaching role, we can help our child figure out a more constructive way to express their feelings… next time.

Remember they are learning. This is a process for them (and for us!). They won’t get it “right” the first time and neither will we.

Allowing our kids to have their own feelings requires a level of self-control on our part that we don’t always have access to. It requires a level of understanding that we don’t always have.

But it is so worth it -- because if we do it, we grow kids who become adults who can handle their emotions and deal with them in a healthy way. And who doesn’t want that?