Parents are emotion coaches part one

The Gist

  • Feelings are real - neurobiologically and physiologically

  • Kids don’t know how to interpret feelings (and so sometimes they do “bad things”)

  • They rely on us to to teach them how to respond well

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Here’s something we don’t think about very often: 


Feelings are Real.


Here’s what I mean: feelings have physiological and neurobiological reality in the body. We can (literally) feel them!


When we are stressed, cortisol levels go up, heart rate goes up, blood pressure elevates and we get ready to flee, fight or freeze.


When we are happy, dopamine and oxytocin increase, and our bodies and brains are bathed in a yummy hormone glow. 


When we are scared, we might feel the hairs on the back of our necks stand up, or a clenching in the stomach.


We experience feelings physically. And so do our kids.


The difference is that we know what is happening to our bodies when we experience a feeling. We know that the fluttery feeling in the stomach is what happens when we are nervous. We know that when we are angry, our throat and chest tighten. 


And we know that just because we feel a certain way, DOESN’T mean that we can act any kind of way.


Our kids don’t know these things.


Their feelings are happening to them almost without their knowledge. Their bodies and brains are responding automatically to what’s happening around them. And they are experiencing the very real consequences of those hormonal and neurochemical changes -- WITHOUT UNDERSTANDING HOW OR WHY.


Talk about disorienting.


No wonder they lash out!

No wonder they cry!

No wonder they bite!

No wonder they throw things!


You would do these things too (and you probably did, by the way).


Ok, you say - so I’m just supposed to let my child have these big feelings and act however they act?


Well, yes and no.


Yes to the first part. 


You can and should let your child have their feelings (hint: because they will anyway!)


The first part of the Emotion Coach’s job is to just let the feelings happen and not try to shut them down. (if that feels Herculean already, I feel you!)


But no to the second part: you don’t have to let them “run wild” with their feelings. 


You have knowledge that your child needs, and you can give it to them.


You can teach them how to understand the physical feeling of the emotions that they feel, while also shaping how they act when they experience those feelings.

 

And we’ll talk about that more in the next post.


Until then - if you found this post helpful, would you share it with a friend?


All my best-

Gabriele

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