Trust
The Gist:
Trust comes from reliability and consistency
Our kids need this with us almost more than anything else
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I’m not sure trust is an emotion so much as an optimal state of being. It’s a lovely place to hang out in, neurobiologically and emotionally speaking.
Trust comes when kids know that an adult will behave a certain way. It’s a process of “relaxing into” another person.
It’s the most delicious moment we can experience with our kids, because trust means vulnerability. And vulnerability breeds deep connection.
And deep connection feels really, really good. (It’s all the oxytocin coursing through our systems!)
Trust is built in many different ways. Some expected and some unexpected.
For example, trust is built when we:
say “no” every time your child asks for a before-dinner cookie.
say “it’s time to go” and actually depart.
say, “you can have...” and then actually give it to them.
say “you can’t have…” and then actually don’t give it to them.
say, “diaper change is finished” and it actually is.
speak words that name what your child is feeling (instead of what you want them to feel).
behave in predictable ways that help a child make sense of their world.
I’m guessing a couple of those examples seemed like no-brainers and a couple of them gave you pause.
Is it possible that children learn about trust from their adults putting limits on them?
YES! OH MY GOODNESS YES!
Limits and boundaries are the bedrocks for trust in other people. How else will Littles learn that other people are reliable? That the world is understandable? That they don’t have to figure out every situation on their own every time?
But wait, you say. How about breaking the “cookie rule” every so often? How about doing something differently once in a while.
There’s room for that too. LATER.
It varies significantly from child to child, but really, before the age of 3, predictability is KING.
Before age 3, kids just aren’t able to process a “Sometimes Rule”. They deal in black and white; yes or no; can or can’t.
Around age 3, they become better able to understand the idea of “sometimes”, but it still has to be fairly regimented for a lot of kids.
I’ll give you an example. When my kids were little, we would sometimes have a little dessert after dinner. Not every night, though. At one point, I started to notice that my daughter was asking for dessert every night and would have a meltdown if I said no.
In that moment, I had a choice to make: have a clear “rule” or eliminate dessert. Since my daughter was old to enough to track the days of the week, we made a “T-day” rule of dessert. Dessert only on Tuesday and Thursday. (This rule was quickly amended to T- and S-days, btw, since kids are not stupid.)
Problem solved.
Meltdowns gone.
Discussions ended.
She would still ask if it was a dessert night, but all I had to do was remind her of the day of the week and the rule and that was the end of the conversation.
She was able to trust in the rule and trust in me to enforce it.
Because here’s what I DIDN’T EVER DO (NOT EVER):
I didn’t say, “Well, today is Wednesday, and since I know you really like dessert, you can have some just this once”.
Our young kids have a really hard time with “Just this once” or “today you can but another day you can’t).
Unless there’s a system that they can understand and lean on.
A system is that is right for their developmental level at that time.
A system that will breed that delicious feeling of trust.
All my best -
Gabriele
PS. If you want to learn more about childhood developmental milestones, the CDC has a great library of information on development (with videos!) HERE.
PPS. There’s also a speech and language milestones PDF on my website that you can grab HERE.
PPPS. If you’re having trouble implementing systems, rules and routines at your house that match the developmental level of your child, I’ve got you! Toddler Talk Online Program for Parents has lots of practical solutions you can use right now at home to increase predictability and trust between you and your child.