Anger
The Gist:
Most us aren’t comfortable with anger generally
Let them have the feeling, and teach them how to express it over time
They won’t get it “right” the first 10000 times.
Read more:
Anger is one of these “trigger” emotions for many of us. It can bring up intense memories, and intense feelings of discomfort, anxiety and shame (you can check out the video on shame HERE).
Recognizing our own discomfort with a feeling is the first step toward healing those wounds for ourselves.
Because most of us weren’t taught how to move through anger in a constructive way.
Most of us were taught, either to stifle feelings of anger (particularly women and girls) or explode.
We weren’t necessarily taught how to argue. How to actually FEEL the feeling.
We mostly got lots of practice at avoiding or silencing feelings of anger.
Tell me I’m not alone here. Is this how it worked when you were a kid too?
Recognizing our own patterns is the first step toward teaching our children a healthier, better way to relate to strong feelings of anger.
A way of relating to anger that looks and sounds more like this:
We all get angry. It’s completely normal.
If we didn’t get angry, we’d be completely spaced out and unengaged with the world and the people in it.
Anger is ok.
Anger is the feeling you might have right before frustration. Or right after sadness. Or just on its own because someone else did something you didn’t like.
For most of us, anger bubbles up quickly and then also subsides quickly.
The problem with anger is not the feeling part. It’s the acting part.
In kids, it’s the biting, hitting, grabbing, screaming, tantruming part.
In adults,
It’s the yelling, screaming, verbally lashing out part.
It’s the pushing, pulling, grabbing, spanking part.
It’s the ignoring, withdrawing, excommunicating part.
Depending on how we were raised, we might get really uncomfortable in situations when anger comes up, and that discomfort can lead us to do and say some unhelpful things.
The trick in the moment of our child’s anger, is for us to stay calm and present enough to show our kiddo HOW to express their anger productively.
Not to fix it.
Not to stifle it.
Not to reason with it.
TO EXPRESS IT.
Constructively.
This means showing our kids how to argue. (You really made me angry when….)
Showing our kids how to discharge energy and emotions in a way that won’t be hurtful to others (Hit a pillow? Stomp your feet? Go for a run?)
Showing our kids how to apologize after an outburst.
Side note: did you notice I didn’t say “telling our kids to apologize” up there? I really do mean SHOWING them, by DOING IT OURSELVES. As in, “I’m sorry I yelled earlier. I know that was a little scary for you”.
And, by the way -- our kids are learning, so they WILL NOT get this right the first (or the 500th) time. (And neither will we). This is good news! This means we will have many many opportunities to become better at feeling and expressing anger.
I’ve included a couple of ideas for how to constructively express anger in the moment, but I’d love to hear from you about what works in your house.
What do you do in your family to express anger? Will you reply and let me know?
All my best -
Gabriele
PS. If you and your child are having trouble navigating feelings of intense, frequent and prolonged anger, consult a child development professional, like a developmental pediatrician or social worker, who can help your family figure out ways to deal with intense emotions and help everyone learn to regulate and express their emotions in healthy ways.