Surprise

The Gist:

• Surprise happens - learn to recognize and name it for your child

• Some kids have a harder time than others with unexpected events

• Seek help if it seems like your child is very rigid and overwhelmed by surprise when it happens

Read more:

Surprise comes up a lot when dealing with young children, and that can often surprise us. ;-)

Why?

Because surprise is triggered by NEW OR UNEXPECTED EXPERIENCES, right?

And when you’re 2 years old or younger - or even 3, 4, and 5 years old -  MANY MANY THINGS ARE NEW.

We adults forget. 

We are so used to the world and how it works that we completely overlook the fact that our kids are still getting used to just being on the planet. They’re still experimenting with gravity, with rules, with language, with behavior, with getting their needs met. 

Kids are still surprised by everyday occurrences.

For me, the most common example of surprise is when a child falls down or crashes into something unexpectedly. Here’s how I imagine that feels to them:

I’m gonna run from this side of the playground to the other one to get that ball over there. I’m running and running oh look is that a butterfly right up there BOOM! 

How come I’m not moving anymore? 

How come I’m looking at the ground? 

How come there’s dirt in my mouth? 

How come my hands and knees hurt? 

Mommy? Daddy? Did you see this? 

What happened? 

What should I do?

I’m guessing you know this moment well. And my guess is that you’ve done one of two things at that moment.

1. You clapped or said cheerfully, “you’re ok!”  OR

2. You took a sharp inbreath and said, “Oh my goodness!” and scooped them up for a snuggle.

Here’s why both of those responses fall short of what your child needs --

Neither reaction addresses the element of surprise, of unexpectedness that occurs (and that is the real reason they are upset most of the time).

And if you miss the opportunity to label the moment of surprise, you inadvertently signal to your child that there might be something about the experience that is bad or shameful. (Because, if we can’t talk about it, it must be Unmentionable and Bad.)

The biggest shock to your child’s system is not the actual event. It’s the total confusion around HOW the event happened to begin with. It’s the “I was trying to do one thing and something else totally different happened”- feeling that they really need help with.

(And yes, sometimes they will ALSO be hurt. But that vast majority of the time, they’re just SURPRISED.)

When my kids were little, I used my Tell the Story framework so consistently that by the time my kids were not yet three years old, they could tell ME whether they were more hurt or more surprised by an unexpected event. 

Here’s how that would go.

Toddler/preschooler falls down. They pick themselves up or I meet them where they are.

Depending on how dramatic the event was, one of us Tells the Story of what happened, and they indicate whether they are more hurt or more surprised by the experience. Once the story is told and bandages or kisses applied, they continue playing. The whole thing usually takes less than 2 minutes (unless it’s a big spill and someone is actually hurt).

How is this different from what you and your kiddo experience in the moment of a surprise fall?

Or are you already addressing the moment of Surprise in those moments? (and if so, that’s awesome!)

My kids are teens now, and guess what? They still use the Tell the Story framework to make sense of unexpected experiences. They are able to identify and explain their feelings about those events and then MOVE THROUGH THEM. This is powerful stuff. It’s the mechanism by which we interpret and make sense of and narrate our experience. It’s the creation of our inner narrative.

Remember that surprise can be positive, negative or neutral. 

But also remember that the value judgment is COMPLETELY up to the person experiencing the feeling. Soooo, if your idea of a great celebration is a surprise party, a surprise party is a super positive experience for you.

But if your child hates large crowds and loud noises…. Is the surprise party going to be a positive experience for them? NOPE.

Reactions to surprises vary -- some kids are wired to be able to readily accept and move through surprising moments; and some kids have a harder time with it.

As a parent, you can control the environment to a certain extent. You can avoid planning or attending the loud surprise party; you can make sure that the daily schedule is predictable and stable each day.

But surprises do happen. Unexpected events are unavoidable as we get older and venture out into the world a bit more (think: a child who goes from being at home full-time to attending preschool).

If your child is having meltdowns that happen frequently or last a long time when unexpected events occur, you’ll want to do a couple of things:

1. First, increase the stability and predictability of their world by trimming down the schedule and making it more similar each day.

2. Consider seeking out a child development professional who can help you figure out why your child is having such strong reactions to unexpected events. This might be a developmental pediatrician, occupational therapist, speech therapist or social worker.

As with any emotion, in the beginning, your child is relying on you to interpret and explain those moments of surprise for them. And with exposure and practice, they’ll be able to understand and explain their own feelings to you one day.

All my best -

Gabriele

PS. In my Toddler Talk program, I teach you how to “Tell the Story”, which is a powerful way for you to break down unexpected situations for your little one so that they can begin to make sense of those events for themselves more quickly and cope with both positive and negative unexpected events more easily.