There is no “wrong” way

Here’s what I said to a member of our Raising Orchid Kids Facebook community regarding sleep habits (Her school aged child still comes into bed in the middle of most nights):

You don’t NEED to do anything! You have the option - if things are not working as they are - to change things. But, if it is working and If it feels delightful to have him come into bed and snuggle, be assured that he won’t be in college and still doing that. There is no “wrong way”. (Which is not the same as “there are no consequences”.)

(Side note: We are assuming a basic level of care and feeding here, which I understand is not universal, but which is an assumption for this audience).

For parents who are actively thinking about their parenting style, there are almost no “wrong” ways to parent. But that’s not the same thing as there not being consequences.

Every parenting decision we make has a consequence. (newsflash: this is true in other aspects of life as well). 

The question is: what consequences feel like the ones you want to deal with (for now) (in the future)?

In the case of the child coming into the bed. It doesn’t actually matter whether they come into bed or not. You can find Expert Y to tell you that it’s Bad and Terrible. And you can find Expert C to tell you that it’s Necessary and Normal.

And each might be true in certain circumstances:

If Child coming into bed is preventing Parent from getting adequate sleep, and Parent resents Child for this, then it’s pretty Bad.

If Child coming into bed is lovely and comforting for both parties and allows them to get good sleep…. Well that sounds pretty delightful, doesn’t it?

Often, though, it’s not so cut and dried, and this is where we get into trouble.

When Child seems to need to come into bed and Parent is having a hard time sleeping, we can feel confused about what to do.

But we can go back to the question and get un-confused: what consequences feel like the ones you want to deal with for now?

And from that answer, we make a decision about what to do next. Without waffling.

When we are waffling, we are usually saying one thing: “You can’t come into my room”, for example. But we are broadcasting a completely different nonverbal message with our energy and with our bodies. That message is probably something like: “I don’t really think it’s so bad that they’re coming into bed. I kind of get it. I kind of like it. I wish it would stop, but it’s also sort of sweet that they need me like that and that I get to comfort my kid like that”.

Orchids are VERY SENSITIVE to what we are NOT SAYING. (You can see last week’s post for more on nonverbal communication and its importance.) In general, Orchids are paying way more attention to “subverbal” content than verbal content.

Which is why it’s extremely important – no matter what decision you make – to “know in your bones” that you are making the best decision (for now, with the information that you have).

Knowing that you are making a good decision allows you to verbally and nonverbally communicate in a way that is congruent, inside and out. And, it allows you to stay calm if and when you have to enforce a boundary.

So, if you decide that you need to go “Cold Turkey” and get Kiddo out of your bed, you’ll know why you’re doing it and you’ll stay calm while they freak out for a few nights. (And, if they freak out for more than a few nights, you’ll re-evaluate if you have to.)

If you decide that you’ll allow Kiddo to come into bed for a few minutes before walking them back to their own room, you’ll be able to do that.

If you decide to let them into your bed for the rest of the night even though you’re not sleeping well, you’ll be able to do that (and not resent them for it).

Do you see why I’m saying that what you do matters WAY LESS than how you do it?