My kids should be doing _______

The Gist:

+Developmental milestones are important.

+But, so is your child’s individual developmental journey.

+Check out my Milestones Chart for more information.

The Longer Version:

I talk about developmental milestones a lot. That’s because developmental milestones are super important for knowing whether your child’s development is on track. They’re also an important way to know whether the expectations you are placing on them are appropriate.

For example, most two year olds can sit on the floor and hold still for about 5 minutes before they really start wiggling and things get wild; Three’s can go about 10 minutes; Fours, about 15. 

Knowing this helps us adjust our expectations based on our child’s age.

And yet, sometimes our expectations are perfectly appropriate, and our child can’t meet them. 

It looks like they won’t sit still.

It seems like they won’t listen.

We might think that they are misbehaving. 

We might think they are stubborn. 

We might think they are being disobedient.

But, here’s a really good hack: 

When kids “misbehave” it means that the situation in which they find themselves is too hard for them to figure out what to do. So, they just do what they can to get through.

If you have expectations of your child and they are not meeting them, chances are IT’S TOO HARD IN THAT MOMENT.

Rather than insisting that they comply with your expectations, consider that your expectations are too hard. 

That they would follow through if they could, but they CAN’T. 

So, change the expectations.

Not too long ago, I was at a client’s house with a really rambunctious toddler. Loud, messy, all over the place. Mom wanted the little girl to sit quietly (or even just more quietly and play with toys). But this kiddo wasn’t ready to do that. She was the “right age” to have that expectation, so strictly speaking, it would have been “developmentally appropriate” for mom to expect her to sit and play. 

But this little particular little girl wasn’t ready. 

This little girl needed to run and move and crash and throw and be loud. 

So, rather than fight that, I suggested to mom that she ease up on the demands for quiet sitting, and consider joining in some rough play with her daughter.

In other words, I suggested that Mom meet her daughter where she was developmentally instead of staying frustrated that her daughter wasn’t meeting her expectations.

Developmental charts are useful for seeing a general arc of children’s growth, but don’t get stuck there. 

Meet your child where THEY are. 

Give your child what THEY need. 

See the person in front of you. 

Give that person what they want and need.

It’s a fine line to walk: seeing your child for an individual with their own strengths, and then also knowing to get them some help when they are struggling against developmental milestones.

It’s hard for parents to be lenient when our child is struggling, while also keeping expectations high so that they can grow and thrive.

It’s hard for parents when we want our child to do something other than what they are doing.

Here’s what I know, as a result of my work with hundreds of toddlers and preschoolers:

it’s hard for your kiddo too. They are trying. They are doing their best. They want to please you.

Won’t you meet them halfway?

All my best - 

Gabriele

PS. If you. or someone you know. are having trouble knowing how to meet your child where they are, check out our Milestones Chart for some ideas. We help families all the time who are struggling to understand why their children behave the way they do. We help families create less frustrating routines and less frustrating communication so that everyone feels happier.