"You Are Succeeding"

“You’re succeeding” is what my 19-year-old son said to me recently when I confessed to him that navigating his transition into adulthood has been challenging for me. 

Although I’m not sure I believe him, I did appreciate him saying that. And I told him so.

We’re in the middle of a stage of life that, I know from experience on the other side of the equation, can be fraught, confusing and antagonistic. Neither one of us really knows what we’re doing. We’re crossing over from clear, familiar Parent-Child roles into something that more closely resembles a relationship among equals.

(Almost. There’s the whole “frontal-lobe-isn’t-fully-cooked-until-about-age-26-thing” going on still.)

I am crystal clear on one thing, though:

I want to continue to be in relationship with my son. 

He has done (and will continue to do) things that I’ll never know about. That I should never know about. Of that I’m quite sure.

He is starting to have his own life. Parts of which don’t (and shouldn’t) involve me.

It seemed easier when he was little. I knew how to provide the structure that young children need, and I loved providing it. I grew him, nursed him, changed him, burped him, bathed him, wiped his ass and his face. 

As he got older, the challenge of pulling back parental control to allow for his growth felt manageable, doable. I watched as he made friends, learned new things, pursued areas of interest, figured out his own brand of humor, figured how to burp while saying the alphabet, farted like a champion.

Now it gets shakier; more…interesting. I have met his girlfriend, asked him to consider coming home for dinner before going out for a night with friends, marveled at his decision to take a solo trip overseas during a gap year (and during a pandemic).

I don’t know how to do this part. And yet, I try to keep the goal top of mind. Because we’ve got a lot of time left on our “relationship clock”. As I write this, I’m 50 and he’s 19. If we’re lucky, that means we’ve got at least another THIRTY YEARS to be Family to each other.

He’ll live away from home and be an adult for much longer than he was a child/teen in my house. Our relationship will (eventually) take place in an adult arena only.

So I make it a point to enjoy the time he does spend with us. And appreciate his making the effort to do so.

But here’s what else I know for sure. 

I started putting the pieces into this evolving adult relationship puzzle of ours a long time ago.

Every boundary I enforced; every routine I created; every feeling I helped him work through; every silly interaction we’ve shared. All of these things have been deposits in our “relationship bank account” that have gotten us here. To a place where teen and parent can be collaborative and communicative instead of frustrated and fighting all the time.

I can help you do the same. 

The early delight and relationship-building that my son and I experienced are available to you and your child right now. 

The strategies that I used with him are simple to implement, and they work to create a solid, evolving and secure relationship where communication is key. Where an adult can say to a child, “I’m not sure how I’m doing on this”; and the child can say, “You’re succeeding” (or, “you’re not quite there yet, mom” which has also happened!).

One of those strategies was – you guessed it – ROUTINES! I hope you’re joining me live at 1pm ET THIS SATURDAY to talk about them! Email info@speechkids.com for the Zoom link.

xo G

If you want to enjoy your relationship with your future teen and adult child, the way that I enjoy mine, you’ll need to put the pieces in place now, when they’re little. Routines are one way to do that. We’ll talk about why very soon. Join me live this Saturday by emailing info@speechkids.com to get the Zoom link.