Why you can’t think straight when your kid is acting up

here’s a pattern that can emerge after living with an Orchid Kid for a while. Difficult situations arise and (almost automatically) we go into flight-fight-freeze-faint mode. 

Which (funny-not funny) is exactly what’s happening to our Orchid Kid in those difficult moments too.

The question is: WHY?!?!?!

One of the answers is: Because Mirror Neurons

There’s a thing that happens between people that is (mostly) beautiful. Our brains take in emotional responses from other humans and MIRROR THEM in our own nervous systems. It’s a way of vibing; of staying connected; of belonging to each other. It’s how we attune and relate to each other.

If you’ve ever felt on edge on public transportation because someone else was agitated, you know what I’m talking about. It’s not just your sense of safety that was activated; you were (also) actually responding automatically to the agitated person’s emotional signals.

If you’ve ever wept at a Kleenex commercial (I’m not crying, you’re crying!), same thing. Mirror neurons at work.

But, there’s a dark side.

Particularly as regards parents and children.

Because the bond between parents and children is special and strong, our mirror neurons can be especially hijacked by our children’s emotional responses. For survival, it’s brilliant: we are deeply invested in them feeling better (so that we can feel better!).

In terms of thriving in the day-to-day, teaching our children emotional resilience (by allowing them to struggle at a ‘just-right’ level), it’s a bit tricky.

Then there is the additional special case of Orchid Raisers and Orchid Kids.

As we’ve seen, Orchid Kids become dysregulated quickly and frequently in situations that we don’t necessarily think they should. In our brain’s attempt to match our child’s (highly dysregulated) emotional state, our brains become highly dysregulated.

Unless we become aware of what’s happening and work through it.

The moments when our kids become Screaming Banshees seem unpredictable, but they’re probably not. When we hunt around and ask some different questions we can often find a common theme about when difficult moments will arise. Which introduces some predictability into the system.

Predictability is a regulator. If you know something might happen, it’s easier to be prepared for it and to remember to do the things that will help keep people calm.

Becoming aware of your own triggers is a regulator. Knowing that when your child does X, you usually feel Y is a great way to reduce the emotional impact of that experience and practice a different response.

Doing things to calm your own nervous system when you know it’s been activated is a regulator. Things like breathing deeply, hugging yourself, and mindfully rubbing your palms or fingers together have a soothing impact on a jacked-up nervous system.

This is our work as parents. 

Yes, we should teach our children skills. And manners. And “good behavior”.

But our first job as parents is to stay calm long enough to do all those good things.

And if we can’t stay calm long enough to do that, then we need to figure out why and work on that.

When we get calm, we can teach kids to be calm. But not before.

So, when your mirror neurons hijack you (and they will), it’s ok! But use that opportunity to notice what’s happening in your body, and begin to shift away from your automatic responses into a more purposeful, helpful one. 

And if you can’t – definitely figure out why. Ask for help if you need it. A therapist, a coach, another parent, a friend, a trusted family member. Who would you ask?