Isn’t Self-Consciousness Bad?

I recently had a parent who asked me if it was a problem that her child was noticing that his speech was different from other people’s. Here’s what I told her:

“We're not going to worry about his self-consciousness: we're going to use it for good. We will use it to show his brain that 1. it's safe to take risks because of the reward; 2. that there are hard things that he can learn to do. It's actually a beautiful place to get to in therapy, and one where a lot of growth can emerge.” 

It’s a slightly different version of what we talked about in the last  blog post on failure.  In this case, the child was beginning to notice that his mouth was not doing the same things as my mouth. 

It’s a moment that’s uncomfortable for kids. Their brains (our brains) don’t want dissonance. They don’t want discord. Remember: our brains want things to be predictable, habitual, knowable and routine. That’s what’s most efficient. That’s what allows us to operate in the world. 

It’s a lot of work to deal with unpredictable new stuff. It’s a lot of work to reconcile different versions of reality. Which is essentially what we’re doing when we are teaching kids to correct patterns of their speech or language.

We’re asking them to notice the difference between what they are doing and what everyone else is doing.  And then we’re asking them to change.

Here’s the interesting thing about change, though. 

I can’t force anyone to speak. I can’t force anyone to change the way they speak.

What I can do is provide support and evidence and reasons for why it might be a good idea for a person to speak or to change the way they speak. What I can do is break down tasks into “just right challenges” where kiddo will experience just the “right amount” of failure before breaking through to a success.

That’s item 1 above: creating the right motivation so that a child chooses to make a change. If the opportunity for connection is great enough; if the message is important enough, Brain can override the need for predictability and begin to forge another pathway.

And once our brains get practice creating new pathways, that becomes the new normal. Which is how you get Item 2 above: when you recognize, “Oh. I’ve felt this before. This is the feeling right before I learn something new. No big deal.”

Magic.

The discomfort and self-consciousness that come from recognizing that one’s speech or language is different from other people’s is the first step in the change process. So, no, it’s not bad. It’s just a part of the process.

What have you noticed as your Orchid Kid goes through learning a new skill? Are they self-conscious?  I’d love to hear from you.

All my best - Gabriele