"Aren't we teaching kids to be soft when we don't force them to do new things?"

I hear a lot of stuff at the pool lately. On this particular day, I overheard a ruckus as a parent trying to convince their child to swim on their own. Parent was saying, “you can do it”; child was having none of it and was crying in distress. Parent persisted; child escalated, now wailing and shrieking.

Have you been there?

The parent’s actions came from such a good place: they just wanted their kiddo to begin to learn to swim. To give them an opportunity to try something new. To grow.

And the child’s actions were telling everyone at the pool that day that they Were. Not. Ready.

A couple of weeks ago, I talked about the difference between “Yes” Brains and “No” Brains. You can read that post HERE.

But the question that often comes up from parents is, “Aren’t we teaching kids to be ‘soft’ when we don’t force them to do new things?”

It seems like a legitimate question, but let’s take a closer look because the answer is way more complicated than a simple yes or no for BOTH TYPES of brains.

We’ll start with the “No” Brains. 

Remember that humans with “No Brains are likely to perceive the world as threatening and dangerous. These humans will say “NO” to new things as a way of protecting themselves. It’s an automatic and correct response given their (internal) reality. Just because we know that they’re not in danger doesn’t mean anything to them.

Think about that again: They’re not wrong for being in Protection Mode given the information from their brains.

So now let’s look at the effect of forcing a person who is in Protection Mode to swim on their own.  In the moment, it looks like: Meltdown, Stress, Behavioral rigidity. But over time it might look like continued and increased resistance to novelty. Basically, a flight, fight or freeze response anytime they get in the pool.

Well damn if that isn’t the exact opposite of what we’re trying to teach!

Trying to teach a stressed “No” Brain that it doesn’t need to be stressed is a pointless exercise. It just puts extra layers of behavior, shame and avoidance on top of their original coping strategy (the “No”).

Given all this, the answer to the question, "Aren't we teaching kids to be soft when we don't force them to do new things?" is a resounding:

No, we’re teaching them to be more stressed and to double down on avoiding new things. (Again, the polar opposite of what we intend.)

Now let’s take a look at this pool example and assume a “Yes” Brain. Surely this will be ok?

Nope.

Although we know some things about child development and its stages, everyone is on their own unique path in terms of what they’re ready and not ready for. So, the idea that we can “force” novelty onto a child is problematic. It assumes that we know what they’re ready for irrespective of the signals they are giving us. It assumes that we can’t trust the child to know their own limits.

And again –if we are trying to grow humans who know their own minds and their own limits –  we arrive at the exact opposite of what we want to teach. 

I think the better questions might be: “What’s the next ‘just-right challenge’ that my child might be ready for?” AND “what level of support will my child need in order to be successful at that challenge?”

That puts us in a mindset of observation and curiosity, rather than in a mindset of stress and feeling like we have to ‘force’ anyone to do things.

And if we can shift away from “I have to force my child to do new things” and toward, “how can I help my child try new things?”, I can guarantee you a better outcome on everyone’s part.

xo G