Why Do Kids Cry When Screentime Limits Are Enforced?

Why do kids cry so hard when you enforce screentime limits? You set the boundaries, you deliver the warnings, and they STILL freak out and act as if they didn’t know, can’t let go or --  even better - refuse entirely to leave the screen. 

Then you yell, rip the device out of their hand and warn them about how they have to listen and have to respect the rules and screentime is bad and blah blah blah.

Here’s the thing about the “post screentime meltdowns”: they’re neurologically based. They’re a normal response.

It’s a totally normal neurological response.

When your child is watching a screen, their brains are getting MASSIVE dopamine hits. Their brains are experiencing LOTS of INTENSE pleasure. Heroin-type pleasure. Alcohol-type pleasure. Concentrated, deep pleasure.

Their brains are telling them that the screen is VERY VERY IMPORTANT because it is so pleasurable. (This is an evolutionary thing: our primitive brains are wired for survival, and in the past, things that were pleasurable -- food, sex, human contact -- helped keep us alive.)

The fact that screentime is a FALSE pleasure is completely IRRELEVANT to your child’s brain.

Their brain is perceiving the screen as necessary, pleasurable, desirable and important.

That means that  -- in your child’s view -- it IS all of those things.

This is especially true if you have an Orchid Kid, whose brain is wired even more strongly for survival and self-preservation than most other brains.

So, is it any wonder that they cry and scream and rage when you take away their pleasure? 

Nope.

It’s a natural response. 

The trick for us parents is to remember that in the moment that it’s happening.

When our child is raging against us for taking away the screen, can we remember to stay calm and use our prefrontal cortex in service of our child’s developing brain to enforce the boundaries that we’ve set calmly and consistently?

Can we evaluate whether our screentime policies are appropriate for our child, based on their responses?

Can we remember that it might take many repetitions of the “rules” (even if our kids ‘know’ the rules) in order to teach our kids’ brains how to disconnect from the Box.

They need to learn how to disconnect. And it’s hard for their brains to do it.

Given that information, is there anything you want to change about your screentime rules? (hint: there might not be!) Given that information, could you handle your child’s Screentime Blues differently? (hint: probably?)

We can’t stop our kids’ brains from responding in the way that they do to screentime. And we can’t control their behavior (hard though we may try). 

The things we can control are: 

1. How much time they’re allowed to watch; and 

2. How consistently we enforce predetermined limits

3. How we choose to respond when they refuse to disengage.

Will we yell and fight back? Will we stay calm and stay on message? Will we roll back the amount of screentime that’s available? 

You are not alone in fighting your kids on screentime. But that doesn’t mean that you won’t want support around it. 

Screentime is a topic that comes up a lot in our Raising Orchid Kids classes and support groups. 

If you’ve been feeling like screens are a battle that you’re tired of fighting, maybe it’s time to reach out for some help. We have a new group starting on September 23rd. 

We’re here!

PS. If you don’t already use Common Sense Media, I highly recommend that you do. They’re good for figuring out what’s appropriate to watch with your child, and they have a ton of other media/screen time resources on their site and app.