What’s wrong with you?

What’s wrong with you?! 

We’ve all heard it from someone else or from ourselves (usually TO ourselves). 

What is wrong with you that you thought….

What is wrong with you that you did….

What is wrong with you that are…. (ouch)

The question seems to come from a ‘good’ place. From a (misguided) attempt to correct a wrong action. To ‘help’ someone be better next time.

But of all the things I hope never pop out of a parent’s mouth at a child, this is The Big One. 

This question has the power to do some serious damage – particularly for kids who are experiencing developmental differences, delays and disabilities.

Here are two reasons why this question is so heavy (I’d love to hear more from you).

1. Kids are incredibly literal. They don’t understand irony or sarcasm until about age 8-9 if they’re typically developing; later if they’re not. This means that when Orchid Kids hear the question, “What’s wrong with you?” they are internalizing that, in fact, there must be something wrong with them. 

Here’s how this might go in your Orchid’s head: 

huh. There must be something really wrong with me. Otherwise, my parent wouldn’t ask this question. I don’t know the answer to this question. Oh no! I better figure out what’s wrong with me so that I can fix it.  

Cue a lifelong quest to figure out what’s wrong with me.

1. There is NO ACTUAL ANSWER to this question because the question is basically a statement that says, “You are wrong (damaged, defective, malfunctioning)”. And anytime we are using the verb “to be” (is, are, etc), we are assigning identity instead of identifying behavior.

Here’s what I mean:  

Your two year old knocks over a glass of milk. Again. And Again. You say, “what is wrong with you?” The answer here is “NOTHING. Two year olds knock things over sometimes”.

Your energetic four year old throws an epic meltdown at the grocery store, forcing you to leave the cart and all the groceries in the aisle while you wrestle a maniac into the car. You say, “What’s wrong with you?”. NOTHING: 4’s don’t usually like grocery stores and they sure can’t stay on someone else’s agenda for that long yet.

Your 7 year old with ADHD forgets his lunch. Again. And again. You say, “What’s wrong with you?” The answer here is also: NOTHING. Brains with ADHD forget things. It’s what they do. And no amount of beating someone up about it will change that. 

So, if we know that the answer to the question, “What’s wrong with you” is always NOTHING, Why ask it??  We sure as shit don’t need more people in the world who blame themselves for not being perfect. We damn well don’t need any more people in the world who think they’re defective or damaged. 

What we need are people in the world who love and accept themselves in all of their differences – neurological and otherwise – and who know There is nothing wrong with me; this is how I am made.

If you’ve never felt compelled to ask “what’s wrong with you” (of yourself or others), I salute you. You are doing great and are clearly an evolved human! 

If you have spoken these words in anger, frustration and a desire for things to get better, it’s ok. Forgive yourself and move on. (And don’t fall into the trap of asking yourself, “what’s wrong with you?”!)

And, if you’re noticing that you’re stuck in a cycle of “what’s wrong with you” or “what’s wrong with me”, coaching is a really great way to get unstuck.

I’m opening up some limited 1:1 parent coaching spots for Fall 2022 where we can dive into the situations and the reactions that keep you stuck in overwhelm and frustration; the ones that make you want to shake someone and ask them, “What is wrong with you?!”. 

You can schedule a free 15-minute trial session by CLICKING HERE to see how coaching can change a lot about your life in a short amount of time.

xo G