Of Course They Are...
My husband leaves receipts on counters. My husband leaves receipts on tables. In pockets, in bags, on desks.
Also in drawers.
Just about everywhere except in the trash where (I firmly believe) they belong.
This used to annoy me. I’d get all righteously indignant about “why can’t he just put the damn receipts in the damn trash when the trash can is right there and it’s not any further away than the desk and there are now weeks’ worth of receipts just sitting in a pile and when will he ever pick them oh my god I better just do this because no one else is going to!”
Can you relate? About the receipts or something else?
I’ve been married to this guy long enough to know – if I’m being rational – that he is probably never going to put receipts in the trash.
(I realized this pretty recently, but when I did I was able to make a decision that has made all the difference.)
After a fair bit of practice following my little epiphany, here’s what I now say to myself when I find a receipt:
“Of course he left a receipt here.” And here’s the mind bender: I say it with love, humor and acceptance, and it feels SO GOOD!
It feels like a fond reminder. Like a connection. Like an opportunity for closeness.
Instead of like torture and disconnection and distance.
If I can choose either response, why wouldn’t I choose the one that makes me feel closer to a person whom I love?
Ok, Gabriele, we’re all fine and happy about your marriage, but how does this relate to me and my extra-difficult Orchid Kid?
Welllll –
There are things about your Orchid that drive you batty, right?
There are things about your Orchid that make you SO MAD, yes?
What if THOSE are the things that you could see in your child and think, “Of course he’s doing that.” With humor, love, compassion and acceptance.
What if - when your child with ADHD forgets his sweatshirt for the 1003545th time, you could think, “yep, he sure did that”.
What if - when your autistic child is talking loudly in an otherwise quiet place, you could say to yourself, “Of course they are”.
What happens in your body when you practice saying this sentence?
Does it soften the mood at all?
Lighten it up a bit?
Bring a little bit of acceptance? (right before the “YEAH BUT”)
We’ll get to the “yeah, but” in a second, but know this (again and again and again): acceptance will get us much of the way down the path. It’s worth practicing and getting good at. So – working toward acceptance is Step One.
And then we might want to pick up some other strategies. But strategies only work WITH our children, not AT them.
With my husband and His Damn Receipts, I’ve tried a couple of different things, and some of them have actually worked! (1. Putting out a “receipt tray”; 2. creating a “receipts drawer”; 3. Getting permission from him in advance to throw away any receipt that’s more than a week old). But we had to come up with those together in order for him to feel Safe and Seen, yeah?
Likewise with your Orchid, you might choose to try some strategies to change habits and patterns of behavior. But only with their consent and participation. Here are some guidelines:
Bring up the ‘issue’ at a moment when it’s NOT HAPPENING. Everyone will be much better able to speak, listen and hear the other person’s perspective if there’s some distance from the events in question.
Stick to observations and “I” statements if you can. “I’ve noticed that…. I wonder if…”
I’ve noticed that you lost another sweatshirt this week. I wonder if there’s a way that we could figure out how to have that not happen.
I’ve noticed that you sometimes use a loud voice when we’re at [place]. I wonder if there’s a way to remind you to use a quiet voice there.
Be willing to engage in some trial and error as part of a Scientific Process of Discovery (and not as, “Must. Fix. This. Immediately!) Some strategies will work right away; some won’t. Some strategies will work for a period of time and then fade; some will last. It’s all ok.
Keep working on “of course they did/are”. Arguing with reality only makes us mad.
If you’ve read this and thought, “must be nice, but that’s too hard for me”, I assure you IT’S NOT!
I NEVER thought that I would reach Receipt Acceptance. And yet I have. And it’s so much better than Receipt Annoyance and Aggravation.
I can show you how to do it too. With whatever is weighing on you. I still have a few 1:1 coaching spots available. You can schedule a chat by CLICKING HERE.
xo G