“I’m afraid I'm raising a Big Brat”
One of the things that we hear a lot in our Raising Orchid Kids parenting classes is that parents of highly sensitive and neurodivergent kids worry about whether they’re raising Big Brats. Parents worry that if they don’t “give consequences” that their kiddo won’t learn how to Respect Others, do Good in the world, and Be a Decent Human.
It feels so real.
But it’s a Big Trap.
Here’s how this sometimes goes: Kiddo says words. Words that make us think:
“They’re so ungrateful.”
And that’s really where the trouble starts.
We think it starts with the fact that our child said words, but it doesn’t.
Because, when Kiddo says words, that’s on them. That’s the behavior they’ve chosen in the moment, and we have zero control over their behavior. (Those of you who have taken our Raising Orchd Kids class will remember this from the ABC’s of Behavior module).
So, the bad news is: we don’t control Kiddo’s behavior in the moment that it’s happening.
But the GOOD news is that we CAN control how we respond to it.
“They’re so ungrateful” is only ONE OF MILLIONS of optional thoughts available to us. Here are some other ones:
“They’re having a hard time with this.”
“I wonder what’s going on here.”
“Hmm. That didn’t go as planned.”
“They’re still learning gratitude.”
“I guess they need some more repetition on this gratitude thing.”
Try these thoughts by saying them aloud or to yourself. Do any of them feel both 1) true and 2) less charged?
It might seem like an insignificant tweak, but here’s how it does.
When we’re thinking, “They’re so ungrateful”, we start feeling stressed. Because if they’re ungrateful, then we must be a really bad parent but we don’t want to think we’re a bad parent and we’re actually not a bad parent so that must mean that kiddo needs to change what they’re doing right now so that i don’t have to feel this awful feeling of worry about them being so ungrateful which by the way i’ve now brought into my interaction with my child and now i’m the one bringing all the negativity and making sure that this situation ends in disaster. (BREATHE)
UGH.
In contrast, if we are thinking, “Hmmm. I wonder what’s going on here.” we might feel some compassion or curiosity.
Which might make us wonder why kiddo is not reading the situation in the way we would.
Or it might help us ask questions that inform the next time we want to impart a gratitude lesson.
Or we might learn something about the way our child processes certain situations or expectations.
And when we bring curiosity to a situation, we stay calm and open long enough to not ratchet up the energy any more than it already is.
We bring calm rather than stress, which means everyone can stay calmer longer - including our Kiddo.
The current research tells us that:
Shaming kids breeds (temporary) compliance that eventually backfires and leads to poor outcomes in adulthood (particularly for Orchid Kids).
Kids with any kind of developmental delay will often be thrown into a flight/fight/freeze state very quickly, making them unavailable for learning (and therefore unavailable to learn from consequences in the moment).
All kids are learning how to regulate their own nervous systems, and Orchid Kids in particular, have a hard time with this. They may be delayed in acquiring the ability to self-regulate (stay calm and ready to learn).
So, if we are bringing a bunch of our own (OPTIONAL) garbage to an interaction, we are basically ensuring mutual destruction in that moment. It’s not a good thing.
If you’ve read this and are thinking, “ok, I get it but I can’t possibly DO that”, I hope you’ll consider attending our next cohort of Raising Orchid Kids: Practical Strategies class. We talk a lot about behavior – why it happens, what to do about it and how to stay calm when things are going off the rails. You get all that PLUS a community of folks who understand what is happening at your house without you having to explain it all (and also without the pity or judgment).
Registration is already open at www.raisingorchidkids.com. We start the second week of January.
xo G