Group Care Isn't Better

It’s that time of year when “preschool acceptances” (how is that even a thing?) are coming out and parents are STRESSED. Stressed that you didn’t get into your preschool of choice. Stressed that you weren’t accepted into the lottery at your public school pre-k3 or pre-k4 class. Stressed that, if you were accepted, you now have to figure out logistics of transportation, finances and schedules. Stressed that your child is too old; too young; too immature; too mature; too rigid; too flexible; too verbal; not verbal enough to go into a group.

For many families and children, group care is a financial and/or scheduling necessity. And there are many wonderful daycare and preschool programs in the world. (We’ll talk another time about how adults who work with preschoolers should be better compensated and better prepared, but I digress). 

Group care can be amazing. 

It’s a place where kids can learn how to share space with other humans, learn to take direction from someone who is not their immediate caregiver, and have some new experiences. It’s a place where parents can drop off their kids and get some peace of mind.

But for some families (particularly those with Orchid Kids), the decision of whether and when to send a child into a group care situation (daycare and/or preschool) can feel overwhelming. 

If you’re a parent who has been hesitating on the preschool or daycare question, and who has a choice, here’s your “permission slip”: 

Young kids. Don’t. Need. Groups. Not preschool. Not daycare.

It’s a “nice-to-have”, not a requirement.

If it doesn’t feel good to think about sending your child to school, listen to that feeling. It’s telling you something.

It’s telling you that you’re not ready to send your child off into the world.

It’s telling you that your child is not ready to go off into the world.

Now, I want to be really clear:

Many three year olds LOVE preschool. It’s the perfect place for them to begin to spread their wings, experience some independence, and really soar.

The vast majority of four year olds are ready to be in a group situation (and some aren’t, and that’s ok too).

And fives pretty much have to go to Kindergarten (hold them back if you can!).

But, let’s talk about those two year olds for a second:

They are - as a group - NOT READY FOR SCHOOL. 

Developmentally, two year olds are barely realizing that they’re distinct from their primary caregiver. In fact, the “sense of self” usually doesn’t develop until sometime between 18-24 months! This means that until then, toddlers literally think that THEY ARE A PART OF YOU! (Amazing, no?).

Add to this, the pandemic, which means that many children have never even been to the GROCERY STORE, let alone to a place where they’re expected to do new things and survive without their Special Adult.

If we accept that some children are Orchid Kids, who need a bit more time and a bit more space and a bit more care in order to thrive, then let’s look at how early preschool might affect a two-year-old Orchid Kid (particularly post-pandemic).

My primary lifeline, the extension of me that I rely on for all things - including, but not limited to: food, drink, sleep, diaper changes, physical comfort, emotional support, and help opening small containers - is LEAVING ME with these strangers. I don’t know how to communicate, regulate, or operate safely in this environment. I have never been among more than 1-2 people at a time. I will figure it out eventually, but it will be painful, and it will require that I go into survival mode for significant chunks of time. I will survive until you come back, but not without cost. 

That’s how I imagine it on the inside. A bit dramatic perhaps, but then again, not for some. 

Now let’s take a look at how this might play on the outside in terms of observable behaviors:

• Separation anxiety

• Meltdowns before school

• Meltdowns during school

• Meltdowns after school

• Sleep disturbances

• Hitting, biting, spitting

• Digestive issues

I hope I’m being clear here: my intent is not to vilify group care. Nor is it to shame parents who rely on group care for their children. 

But my intent IS to cast doubt on the too-often repeated recommendation from pediatricians, therapists and well-meaning strangers that “putting your child in group care will solve all their problems and help you worry less about them”.

It won’t.

In my experience, sending kids to group care before they’re ready does more harm than good, and has some unintended consequences. It’s not a panacea, and I wish that it wouldn’t be prescribed as one. (ok, rant over.)

But - let’s talk for a minute about young Orchid Kids who ARE in group care. What can we do about them? Here are some thoughts (and maybe some of these have emerged organically and you didn’t even realize it.)

1. Find a caregiver that you connect with and get to know them a bit. Make that person your and your child’s “Special Person”. Even though that person is caring for multiple kiddos, your child will feel more bonded to that person (as will you - which will also rub off your kiddo).

2. Talk about your child’s “Special Person” when you’re at home. Draw pictures for them; bring them little tokens; include them into your child’s constellation of adults.

3. Consider inviting your child’s “Special Person” to your house for birthdays or other family celebrations. This can be sticky - I get it - there’s a power differential there. But even if they don’t come, your child will know that they are invited as part of the family.

4. Keep your child’s daycare informed about any and all therapies that your child is involved with. Let them know they are an important part of your child’s team! Ask if they are willing to speak to your child’s therapists and collaborate with them.

5. Ask your child’s “Special Person” what’s working at school. When you seek them out as another ‘qualified expert’ on your child, you begin to build a team approach that starts to approximate the village that we’re meant to live with.

I’d love to hear your questions or comments. What are some strategies that have worked for your Orchid at daycare or preschool? Hit reply and let me know. 

xo G

TL;DR: Group care is not for every young child. Some kids are ready early and some just aren’t. If you need to send your very young Orchid to group care, there are some things you can do to help your Orchid thrive there and not just survive. What are some strategies that have worked for you?