Grief Is a Part of Parenting

My 18-year old son left home last week for several months. He finished high school in June and is headed to college in the fall of 2022. In between, he’s doing a gap year that involves some work and some travel. 

Many of my friends said goodbye to their high-school grads earlier this fall, but I’ve had a few extra months that I’ve really enjoyed with him. He’s such a good guy, and I’m so proud of the adult that he’s becoming. 

And I sometimes miss the child he used to be.

There is a process in the life of a parent that no one tells us about in advance. When we get ready to have a baby, we focus on the near-term.

What kind of labor and delivery do I want? 

Where will the baby sleep? 

Will I nurse or bottle feed? 

How will I keep the Tiny Human alive? 

Will I be good enough to be this child’s parent? 

How will I deal with sleep deprivation? 

How will I juggle the demands of my old life and this new responsibility?

It’s a lot.

So, it’s no wonder that no one really focuses on the grief that’s involved in the parenting journey.

But the grief shows up.

The grief can show up in the beginning as we try to integrate our old identity with our new one and go from Free-Wheeling-Individual to Parent-Attached-to-a-Baby-24/7.

The grief can show up near the “end” of the parenting journey, when kids go off to college or move away from home. (Not actually the end, but it certainly feels like it to me sometimes!)

And, the grief can show up somewhere in the middle when our child receives a diagnosis of any kind.

Particularly a developmental diagnosis that will affect them across their lifespan.

Parenting grief - at some level - is inevitable. It’s part of life. And it’s actually a healthy part of life. Even though it feels like crap a lot of the time.

But for parents who are raising Orchid Kids, the grief might come sooner and with more intensity than for many. Because Orchid Kids seem so different.

We expect children to mostly do what we ask them to do. Orchid Kids often don’t.

We expect children to mostly succeed at school. Orchid Kids often don’t.

We expect children to mostly be happy, mellow individuals. Orchid Kids often aren’t.

We expect children to learn to communicate verbally with ease. Orchid Kids often don’t.

We expect children to make friends effortlessly. Orchid Kids often don’t.

Orchid Kids, almost by definition, don’t follow a predictable path. They don’t cooperate with our dreams for them. With our unspoken expectations. They don’t do what “everyone else’s” kids do.

And that can trigger feelings of grief and loss. (Even though, if you think about it from a different perspective, it’s kind of awesome and amazing that they don’t just go along.)

Still, if you know anything about the stages of grief and mourning, the grief can trigger other feelings, including anger, fear, denial, and desperation before acceptance sets in.

Here’s the thing to remember, though. On the other side of loss and grief is acceptance, joy, love and even gratitude. 

And so the question becomes whether we want to stay in the ‘yuck’ of sadness, anger, fear, denial, or whether we want to pass through grief on the way to emotions that feel and serve us and our Orchid Kids better.

If you’re having trouble seeing how you would ever get to joy, let alone acceptance, I hope you’ll consider joining us at Raising Orchid Kids. At Raising Orchid Kids we offer you a community of folks who get it, as well as practical strategies and some different thoughts to consider. Registration is open now for our next daytime class in January 2022. We hope you’ll join us.  

All my best -

Gabriele

PS -- The Raising Orchid Kids webinar on TEFRA (previously scheduled for 11/3 has been moved to November 11th at 1pm eastern!) Look for more info shortly.