Feeling Two Feelings at the Same Time

The Gist

• We can feel two feelings almost at the same time

• We’re not always comfortable with it

• Just imagine how hard it is for children to feel that!

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When my son was three, I picked him up from a week spent with my parents at “Grandma and Grandpa Camp”. He had spent a glorious time with the undivided attention of two adults, doing whatever he wanted, on his agenda. Paradise all the way.

We met at a rest stop halfway between, had lunch together, and then packed his things into my car to go home. 

Before we started to drive away, I said to him: “I’m so happy to see you! Are you happy to be going home?”

Easy question, right?

Wrong: I watched as joy, sadness, conflict and confusion all crossed his face. I watched him struggle to answer, visibly uncomfortable with his choices.

And in a moment of parenting grace, I realized what was happening, and managed to say something like, “maybe you feel happy to come home but also sad to leave Grandma and Grandpa”.

The relief that crossed his face next was something that has me tearing up even as I write this almost 15 years later. 

Because here’s what I somehow managed to help my son understand:

He could be sad to leave Grandma and Grandpa, but also feel happy to come home and THAT WAS OK.

In that moment, he could relax into all of the feelings instead of fighting for one to “Win”.

I was able to signal to him that it wasn’t “disloyal” for him to not only be happy about coming home.

I was able to signal to him that it wasn’t “bad” for him to prefer some things about being with his grandparents.

I was able to signal to him that all of his feelings were valid, even if they were confusing to him.

How is that grabbing you right now? Have you struggled to understand having two seemingly opposite feelings at the same time? Have you watched your child struggle with this too?

Acknowledging, reassuring, and explaining feelings are lessons that our kids need from us. And one of the lessons is that we can have more than one feeling almost simultaneously (and that’s not bad!)

It’s the reason people laugh at funerals.

It’s the reason you can feel both love and exasperation for your family members.

It’s the reason you might be a little bit happy to be stuck at home with your family (while also feeling completely overwhelmed by it).

It’s the human experience. (HEAVY!)

But a lot of us have shame around our feelings. I certainly did. 

We think we’re not “supposed” to feel certain things. 

And yet, feelings are just feelings. They come and go -- sometimes in rapid succession. And the more we can understand our own emotional processing, the more we’ll be able to help our children understand theirs. 

And the more we’ll be able to coach them through their emotions so they can learn how to manage them well as they grow.

All my best-

Gabriele