Fear

The Gist:

  • Sometimes kids are afraid of things that don’t make any sense to us

  • You don’t have to talk them out of it

  • Just acknowledge, keep them safe and move on


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The year my son turned 3, we took him trick or treating. He was super excited! The candy, the costumes, the friends out on the street with us. 


And then we knocked on our neighbor’s door. 


Some of you will know what happened next. Our lovely elderly neighbor answered the door, and my son lost it.


He was TERRIFIED!


Not only that, but he refused to speak or accept any candy from her. Talk about mortifying for me.


She wasn’t even wearing a costume! 


She was just old and had a wrinkled face.


I remember feeling so embarrassed and ashamed of his behavior. I remember bringing it up with a friend of mine who is a psychologist. 


She told me something that I’ll tell you now:


Sometimes kids are afraid of things that don’t make sense to us.


That’s it.


Accepting this weird truth makes everything else WAY more do-able. It means that we can sympathize with our little one. It means we can acknowledge their fear without giving credence to it. It means we can accept their feelings and no one has to be wrong. It means we can do whatever we think they need us to do in order to “protect” them.


Because the fact of the matter is that feelings of fear stem from the feeling that we are unsafe. 

That there is danger lurking.


And no amount of arguing or convincing in the moment of fear will change that neurobiological reality (remember: feelings are actually real events in the body!).


So, accept the weird things that your child is afraid of.


Comfort them.


Make the monster spray if that’s what they want.


Close the closet door (or - for some: leave it open).


Focus on being the person who keeps them safe no matter what.


And enjoy what can be one of the sweeter parenting moments, when all your child wants is you to hold and protect them.


All my best -

Gabriele


PS. If you’re unsure how to respond to your child when they are in fear, I encourage you to check out my Toddler Talk online program for parents, where you’ll learn about a simple, yet powerful technique called Tell the Story to help get kids through tough experiences.

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