Disappointment

The Gist:

Disappointment can look like “bad behavior” in some kids, so don’t get distracted.
The rules have changed since they were babies: it’s ok for kids to be disappointed sometimes!
Young children look to you for how to process their feelings of disappointment - it’s not just about making them “feel better” in the moment.

Disappointment is like a gateway into other powerful emotions. When little kids are disappointed, some go straight to frustration, some to anger, some to sadness, some to shame and embarrassment.

Because, although they don’t have the words to express their feelings,

They feel like a failure.

They wonder if they’ll ever be able to overcome their feelings.

They wonder if their failure means they are unlovable, unworthy, or incapable, or that they’re not “doing it right”.

As parents, it is heartbreaking to watch our children struggle with complicated emotions! Our temptation is to make it better QUICKLY. We want to fix it for them.

That’s what we did when they were babies, and it worked great! They cried, we changed them. They cried, we fed them. They cried, we burped them. We could do something concrete. (And every so often, we had no idea what to do, so the baby cried and cried and cried; and we cried too).

When they were infants, trying to solve every problem was the right thing to do.

Babies usually cry from a limited number of factors: they’re wet, hungry, uncomfortable, or tired/overwhelmed. And figuring out how to respond to those needs was “easy” (except when you haven’t slept in months, in which case it feels like you’re being asked to perform brain surgery wearing tube socks).

But, as children grow and develop, they gain competence and agency. They need more independence. They learn to do things “all by themselves”. And, they start to experience “failure” and disappointment.

How we respond to our kids in their moments of failure can set the stage for a lifetime.

We can show them that disappointment and failure are a natural part of life. That it means that we are constantly trying new things and learning from every experience. That it is necessary if we are to grow and change. That it is ok to feel.

Or, we can show them that their experience of disappointment makes us uncomfortable. That we would rather they not fail in front of us. That we would rather they stay safe and limited and small and not feel their feelings for too long, please.

Which option sounds like it leads to happier, more secure, emotional mature adults?

Right.

(Little tangent here: For some of you, the last part here might make you feel a little angry or anxious. And it’s probably because you had an adult in your childhood who didn’t allow you to feel disappointed, who made you feel uncomfortable for having a Big Feeling. Just take note and explore a little bit. Are you unconsciously re-enacting that pattern with your child? Or are you actively changing the pattern? Neither? Both?)

So, what to do in that moment of disappointment? What to do when your child is melting into a tantrum before your very eyes?

Stay calm -- this is your NUMBER ONE strategy for most things in your parenting life. Take a deep breath and stay calm.

Validate and label the feeling (not the behavior).

Ignore (or prevent) the behaviors that accompany the feeling. You do not have to comment on, correct, or scold your child for acting out in a moment of disappointment.

All my best -

Gabriele

PS. I’d love to hear your thoughts on disappointment and how you choose to handle it with your little ones.