Congruence Is Key

Last week we talked about how jarring it can be when kids just won’t listen (i.e. obey). We also talked about one of the reasons why that happens: incongruence on the part of the adults involved. 

Turns out kids are Master BS Detectors who can quickly and efficiently suss out:

• How serious we are about getting them to do something

• What level of ambivalence we’re feeling about what we’re asking them to do

• Whether they absolutely must follow through with the request or not

So, if congruence is the answer, what does that look like? How do we get it?

1. Become aware of when you are arguing with yourself

Trust me when I say that if you are having an internal debate, your child knows it. Whatever signals they’re reading (all the nonverbal ones) are broadcasting your ambivalence loud and clear no matter what words are coming out of your mouth.

Clean up your internal monologue in advance and catch yourself when it happens in the moment. Do not expect your child to help you resolve your inner drama: they can’t do it.

1. Be willing to throw away the rules and ask some different questions.

Is it required that your child sit for 20 minutes at the dinner table? How about if they stand? How about if they stay for 5 minutes? Could you try a different seating option? Different location at the table? 

Is there a pair of shoes that your child DOES want to put on? Would it be ok for them to wear those shoes instead of the ones you think they should wear? Why or why not?

What happens if I get my child’s attention before giving them a direction? What happens if I help them clean up? What works better? What doesn’t work as well? 

Asking different questions that come from a place of curiosity rather than frustration can open up possibilities you didn’t know were available. It also gets you out of that awful ‘stuck’ feeling.

1. Act from control over yourself and your emotions

One of the most problematic things we do as parents is that we give our children’s behavior control over our emotions. We think, “if they would just…. I could just….”

If they would just put their damn shoes on, I could relax about being on time.

If they would just clean up, I would feel calm.

If they would just sit still, I could enjoy dinner.

And then we watch the whole thing fall apart.

We think we’re angry because our child is not sitting at the table.

We think we’re pissed off because they’re not cleaning up.

We think we’re frustrated because they’re not putting on the shoes.

No.

We’re angry because there’s a mismatch between what we think “should” be happening and what is actually happening.

But what if the mismatch is just information?

What if the mismatch is a guidepost to look again, look deeper, question assumptions?

What if the mismatch is an opportunity to connect differently with your child?

Then would you still be pissed off, frustrated and angry?

If these questions feel unanswerable, coaching is a great way to find your own answers to these and more questions. We have individual coaching available at Raising Orchid Kids (in addition to our group classes). You can get on a free 20-minute strategy call by clicking HERE.

xo G

TL;DR: The way to get to congruence is to get mastery over yourself and your emotions. If that feels hard, reach out for coaching by clicking HERE.