A Tension Born With Our Babies
One of the most common things that parents discuss with me in private 1:1 coaching sessions is how their role as Adult Child conflicts with their role as Parent. (In my experience, this may be more acute for Moms, but no less true for Dads, by the way.)
A tension is born at the same time as our babies. The new role of Parent demands some hella different skills than the one of Dutiful (Adult-but-still-feeling-like-a-kid) Child.
We might not notice at first. We might be thrilled when our Mom soothes the baby differently than we would do it. We might think it’s cute when Dad makes a sideways remark about…well, whatever Dads make sideways remarks about.
But at some point, unless we’ve done the work beforehand, we come face to face with the impossibility of being both the Child and the Parent.
Grandma demands that our child come and say hello to unknown guests and we’ve decided that’s not required in our house.
Grandpa tells an inappropriate joke, and we’ve decided that’s not how we want to talk to/near our kids.
Grandma says that “good girls do…” and “good boys do…”, and we’ve decided to reduce gender talk.
Grandpa insists that kids sit at the table for the entire meal, and we’ve realized that our child just can’t sit that whole time.
Grandma repeats that “you didn’t talk till you were three”, when we’ve decided to seek intervention for our Late Talking Child.
(These were some of my triggers; yours might be different.) But either way, at some point something comes up from your parents that will contradict what you’ve decided to do as the parent of your children.
Everyone who’s become a parent has navigated this, so why doesn’t everyone have trouble with it?
In my experience, the question comes down to how much clarity you have on whom you’re going to choose. Are you willing to choose your child and yourself in the moments when it feels like “family of origin stuff” is pushing in?
If you’re shaking your head right now and saying, ‘it’s not a big deal’, congratulations! You’ve come to a system that works for you, and that is excellent! :)
If you’re thinking, “yeah - this is HARD STUFF that I don’t feel like I handle that well”, you’re in good company with other people who are feeling:
Frustrated
Avoidant
Exasperated
Guilty
Stuck
Sometimes just becoming aware of the nature of the conflict helps it go away. You can have that conversation with your parents without making anyone wrong. It goes something like, “In our house we…” and they get it. OR, you decide what you are and aren’t willing to deal with and act accordingly - whatever that looks like for you.
But if you’re having trouble figuring out how your role as Parent and your role as Adult Child work together, it’s a great time to get some coaching. (BTW, if you’re a spouse, you can add that to the ‘competing roles list’ too!) With some help to see your thoughts and feelings, you can start to resolve the tension between your two roles. You can start making decisions that feel solid and congruent and right for your family.
We’ve started offering 1:1 coaching at Raising Orchid Kids. You can find out more by emailing raisingorchidkids@gmail.com. You can try a 20-minute coaching session for free with no obligation and see if it’s a good fit for you.
xo G
TL;DR: If you’re having trouble navigating your roles as Adult Child and Parent, coaching is a great tool to use to help resolve the feelings of frustration, exasperation and guilt that can sometimes occur. At Raising Orchid Kids we offer 1:1 coaching. Find out more at raisingorchidkids@gmail.com.