One of the buzzwords that gets thrown around a lot when we’re talking about social communication is Theory of Mind. No doubt: it’s super important, and without it, we have a really hard time with social communication. But let’s talk about what Theory of Mind actually means and why it’s so important.

Several years ago, I was seeing a 4 year old boy who loved to play board games. He understood all the rules; he totally understood what the goal of each game was. But he would only play if he could go first and only if he could win. And this kiddo would pitch a FIT if he didn’t get to go first. In fact, at first, he would spend 45 minutes arguing about it and then miss out on the chance to play the game at all with me because the session would be over. 

Cue the meltdown.

(Sound familiar so far? Keep reading.) 

It would have been tempting to think that this child was spoiled. That he was trying to manipulate me. That he was grasping for control over the whole situation.

And that last part is true, actually. 

But WHY?

Because he didn’t have Theory of Mind. 

He had NO IDEA that:

Everyone wants to go first

Everyone wants to win

It’s not fun (for others) when the same person wins all the time

His insistence on going first all the time meant that other people wouldn’t want to play.

He. Did. Not. Understand. That other people don’t have the same way of thinking that he did.

He was under the (mistaken) impression that his way was the only way.

And under that construct, it made complete sense for him to be 100% in charge of the game all of the time. In fact, NOT being in control would have made NO sense at all.

Theory of Mind means that we understand that other people’s thoughts and actions are driven by their own minds; their own needs; their own desires and not by ours.

And when we don’t understand this, the world is a really confusing place. A really “wrong” place. Potentially a really dangerous place.

I’d love to tell you that I simply explained to this little guy how I also wanted to go first and how I also wanted to win and that his resistance melted away immediately. But it wasn’t that easy. He needed lots of practice to learn about what other people might be thinking in many different situations. And that work continues to this day.

But, he’s learning. He’s growing. And his social communication is improving as a result.

By the way, Theory of Mind begins to develop around age 4, but it continues to develop throughout childhood and adolescence. Here are some more skills that Theory of Mind allows for.

• Knowing how much or how little information to share. (Think of when your kiddo has been on the phone with a grandparent who asks, “what are you playing with?” and your child says, “this”)

• Understanding someone else’s feelings and actions

  • People want different things (from us and from each other)

  • People think things that are different from us (but that might also be true!)

• Understanding that our actions and feelings are not the only valid ones

• Pretending to be someone else when we play (role-playing)

• Understanding “hidden feelings” (when someone’s words or face ‘say’ something different from the emotion that’s underneath: “I’m fine”, when you’re clearly not).

Without Theory of Mind, we’re stuck in our own heads. In our own brains. With only our reality.

With it, we can make friends, play with them, talk to them, tell them about things that have happened to us, listen to things that have happened to them and offer feedback based on their experiences and emotions. We can understand jokes and sarcasm. We can be in full, real relationships. And that’s the most important thing of all, is it not?

If you are worried about whether your little one is developing Theory of Mind, we’re always here to answer questions.