You know when something is just “off” about the way someone is speaking to you? Sometimes it’s nothing specific: just a feeling. Sometimes it’s super obvious. 

They look at you directly for too long; or they don’t look at you at all. 

They talk too much and too long; or they don’t talk enough and only give one word answers. 

They only seem comfortable talking about certain subjects; or they quiz you on a lot of different subjects. 

They only answer questions; or only ask questions, interview style. 

Their voice is too loud; or too soft; or too high; or too low. 

The way they say words and sentences seems stilted. Like they’re giving a presentation even though they’re in a casual conversation.

They stand too far away from you; or too close to you.

And all the while, you’re trying to make it better and just feeling more and more uncomfortable without knowing why.

Has this happened to you?

Pragmatic language (also called social language/communication, or, how we use language for interactions) is not anything we think about much. 

Humans just seem to “get it” instinctually, automatically. We implicitly understand “the rules” of communication.  

So we don’t realize how much is going on under the surface of what seems like “just a conversation’....

until it’s not going well. 

And then we realize that pragmatics (social skills, social language, social relatedness) is HUGELY important. In fact, it’s almost more important than everything else.

Think about these two (adult) examples (and we’ll come to the kids in a second):

Someone who has had a stroke and has lost the ability to say words (aphasia) can still interact with others. They do it by pointing, gesturing, writing (sometimes), making facial gestures, using their voice to indicate questions or statements -- everything except the words. With persistence and some patience, they can tell a story, ask a question, order at a restaurant, communicate almost everything. It’s not easy, but it’s do-able. What you notice here is the lack of words in the presence of a lot of communication.

Now think of someone who is clearly very bright - possibly even very educated - whom you’ve met several times, and the only thing you ever talk about together is their work. They give you minute details about their work, about their subject matter expertise, and they talk for a long time. They almost never ask you a question, and they do not follow as the conversational twists and turns: they always bring it back to their work. Additionally, they usually seem like they are staring at a point directly behind your head, or off to the side. They don’t seem to have any awareness that you are bored and will just keep talking until you say something like, “well, I have to go now”. What you notice here is the lack of communication in the presence of a lot of words.

Which of these adults has better communication skills? Which of them can engage in a reciprocal, balanced relationship with other people? Which of them can express their ideas, wants, desires as well as understand the needs, wants and desires of others? Which of them has better pragmatic language skills?

If you said the person with the stroke, you were right! But had you ever thought about it quite like that before? Probably not. 

Now let’s bring it down the kid level. What might this look like in a toddler who is a Late Talker? 

Here are some questions that help get a read on how kids are doing in terms of social communication, even if they’re not talking yet:

Does your child point up to a bird or airplane in the sky and then look at you?

Does your child look at a book with you, pointing to pictures and looking at the pictures you point to as well?

Does your child bring you things to show you?

Does your child say (or wave) “hi’ and ‘bye” reliably?

Does your child use the same words in different ways (i.e., “daddy go” = daddy went to work; but “daddy go?” = did Daddy leave yet? And “Go daddy?” = Am I going with daddy?)

Does your child face someone when they are speaking (or babbling) or do they “speak to the air” much of the time.

Kids who struggle with pragmatic communication skills are the ones who appear “not so interested” in people (although we know that this a total misconception that we’ll explore later in this series). These kiddo’s brains don’t quite realize that interacting with other people is an important relationship skill. It’s hard for their brains to process all the information that is coming in, and for some kids “social” doesn’t feel easy or fun.

We spend a lot of time thinking about how many words a child can say. While that is one measure of communication ability, it’s also really important to look at how a child is USING communication to interact with other people. Even before they start speaking, how a child is interacting with adults and kids around them can give us important information about their Pragmatic Communication skills.

It’s about so much more than talking or listening.

In the next few weeks, we’ll be talking more about pragmatic communication. We’ll talk about the prerequisite skills kids need and how to teach those, as well as what to do if you think your child is having difficulty with social communication.