“Does she make eye contact?” is a question I hear therapists ask a lot.

We ask each other about eye contact. We ask classroom teachers about eye contact. We ask parents about eye contact.

It’s kind of like code.

We ask about eye contact because we think it tells us something about social communication. 

And in some ways it does; and in many ways it doesn’t.

Here’s why using eye contact as a measure of social communication skill is problematic.

Because the ability to make eye contact -- while it is a social expectation and a mark of “good” social communication -- is actually a sensory processing skill.

Here’s what I mean: 

In order to “make eye contact” with another person, an organism has to be able to tolerate looking at a moving, changing target. Most brains can handle it: they can look directly at faces and get a lot of really great information.

But some brains aren’t able to take in, filter, and make sense of that information in real time. It’s overwhelming. It’s too much, too fast, too complex.

Human faces have a lot of information. Important information. And we want kids to be able to look at our faces. To be able to get all that important information. 

And so, when they aren’t looking at us, we tend to “force” the eye contact. We insist that kids look at us. We even say, “Look at me when I’m talking to you” or “Look at me when you’re talking to me”. 

We treat a lack of eye contact as a willful disregard for social communication rules.

But -- and I hope you know what I’m about to say here:

A lack of good social communication skills is NOT A CHARACTER FLAW. It’s not a wilful disregard of anything. It’s brain wiring. It’s self-preservation. It’s about safety. Safety from overwhelm and too much speed and too much “stuff” coming at them.

Soooo,

When we see a kiddo who is struggling with eye contact. We want to note that, yes. But what we don’t want to do is force eye contact onto them as if it’s some magic cure. It’s not.

Consider this scenario:

You’ve got a child who has a hard time making eye contact, who probably also has a hard time playing with friends and being in a group. While playing in a group, this child starts to become dysregulated and demonstrates some “problematic behaviors”: pushing other children, for example. 

The next likely thing for the adult in charge to do is to pull Junior aside. And, in order to make sure that Junior is really listening, we tell him, “look at me when i’m talking to you”.

Some of you know what usually happens next: 

Behavior gets worse.

But do you know why?

It’s because in the moment of dysregulation, eye contact may actually be painful. It may be an impossible demand to comply with. And in that case, Junior would rather be in trouble than have to make eye contact. !!

I realize that I am creating a really dramatic case here for why we shouldn’t force eye contact, but I’ve seen it happen enough by now that I’m taking a stand here.

So which would you choose? Do you want to force a child to stare into your eyes, possibly experience extreme physical discomfort and also not be able to access language centers of their brains as effectively?

Or can we sacrifice a little bit of eye contact at the altar of self-expression, self-advocacy and self-efficacy?

Oh, and here’s another interesting thing:

Sometimes NOT making eye contact allows a child to SPEAK MORE; speak in longer phrases and sentences; and express their ideas more fully and completely while also feeling safer and better understood.

If you had to choose - which do you choose? 

Here are some Do’s and Don’ts for helping a child make eye contact respectfully

DO

Get on their level

Catch their eye quickly and then look away

Figure out how eye contact affects the child’s ability to speak

Let them look away

Let them use peripheral vision (side-eye)

Get an OT involved to work on sensory processing

DON’T

Physically manipulate their face and force them to look at you

Stare at them for long periods of time

Expect a lot of language during periods of eye contact

Insist on eye contact, particularly when a child is dysregulated