Last week, we talked about some of the things that can feel “off” when someone we know is having difficulties with social communication. It’s not the words; it’s how the message comes across.

I want to tell you something really important about this though:

Having a problem with social communication is

NOT A CHARACTER FLAW.

It’s not anything that the person is doing on purpose. In fact, they’re trying to get through their day just like you are trying to get through yours. The difference is that their brain doesn’t process incoming information in the same way that yours does.

It’s not a character thing, it’s a brain wiring thing.

Here’s what I mean:

Think about the child who only wants to talk about car keys. They want to tell you about all the different shapes of keys that they have seen. They want to see YOUR car key, and all your friends’ car keys. They love car keys.

Why?

Because for this kiddo’s brain, car keys are safe. Car keys are known. Car keys are predictable. And other things, people and events are NOT.

Still scratching your head? Try this:

You’re at a party where you don’t know anyone. And you didn’t know what the dress code was beforehand, so you wore what you thought would be appropriate, but it’s really not, so you’re feeling conspicuous. And, you have a headache because you didn’t sleep well the night before. And, the music is loud and the lights are too bright. And you’re hungry, and you don’t like the food being served.

What would you do in this situation (if you were forced to stay at the party -- as our kids are forced to stay at school, etc.)?

You might get a drink so that you have something to hold onto; you might find someone who’s similarly dressed and introduce yourself. You might stand at the perimeter of the room and just watch. You might find one person to talk to until you can leave.

You’d choose an anchor point that felt safe, and then stay there awhile.

For our kiddos with social communication issues, life can often feel like that party: too much, too big, too loud, too overwhelming. So, they tunnel down. They find safety in sameness. They find peace in ritual/routine. They specialize.

And their brains are often wired for specialization. It’s easier for their brains to see the car key -- which is static and discreet -- than to try to connect with the person holding it.

People are unpredictable, complex, in constant movement, and sending out a continuous stream of sensory and energetic information.

Things are static, quiet, simple.

But I hope I’ve made this really clear: appearing to “turn away” from people, and being socially awkward are not a question of character. 

This is a brain-based difference we’re dealing with.

What to do about it? We’ll talk more about that next week.