In order for social communication to develop well, our kids’ brains and bodies need to feel well-regulated well-regulated. Ok, great, but what does that mean?

A well-regulated brain-body system is one where all of the parts are doing their job: the cardiovascular system is keeping our heart pumping and our blood oxygenated; the respiratory system is keeping us breathing; the digestive system is absorbing and excreting the things that it’s supposed to; the sensory system is registering (and filtering) the things that it’s supposed to.

A dysregulated brain-body system is one where, because one part of the system is ‘mistuned”, the whole rest of the system has to compensate. And, as a result, we won't feel right. Our bodies and our brains are too busy working to get us back to ”normal” to do anything else (like learn, ‘behave’, speak, or enjoy life).

This means that a system in dysregulation is kind of a mess. The person might behave badly, lash out, complain of not feeling well, be lethargic, squeeze, poke, jump, poop, not poop, pinch, bite, yell, stomp, go to sleep, lay down on the floor, run, laugh, cry. 

Does this sound like anyone you know?

In kids who are having developmental challenges, dysregulation is a common thing. And it’s sneaky. Because in young kids, dysregulation looks like “bad behavior”, and here’s why.

Because they don’t have very much experience with the world, young kids are in full experimental mode. They are willing to try anything and see what sticks. 

So, if they experience a feeling of calm following a monster tantrum, guess what? They might try throwing a monster tantrum in order to experience the calm that follows.

If they get taken out of a noisy place when they scream and disrupt, guess what? They will scream and disrupt when they want to be taken out of a noisy place.

We can look at these examples as “bad behavior”, and on the surface maybe they are. But underneath that is a body and a brain that is just trying to get regulated. That’s trying desperately - by any means necessary - to right itself.

So, how do we get kids regulated so that they can start connecting with other people? We HAVE to figure out the source. We have to know what’s causing the problem: is it diet? Is it sensory? Is it sleep? Is it….? 

Then, we have to work SLOWLY to create just right challenges for our kids to both 1) stay regulated (most important) and 2) learn new things (can only happen if #1 is met).

The ability to connect socially is a skill that can develop smoothly ONLY when underlying brain functions are working smoothly too. 

Remember, it’s not a character thing.

And it’s not a behavioral thing. 

It’s a brain thing.