One of the major differences between Orchids and Dandelions is that Orchids tend to have a “No” Brain. Here’s what I mean by that:

In life, particularly as young children, we are constantly experiencing:

New people

New foods

New situations

New sensory experiences

New places

New body positions

New sounds

New toys

“Yes” Brains (Dandelions) are wired to accept novelty as potentially interesting. As potentially fun. As potentially rewarding. These brains are open to learning and are feeling safe in the world.

By contrast, “No” Brains (many Orchids) are wired to reject novelty as potentially threatening. As dangerous. As something to avoid. These brains are focused on protecting themselves and their person. And when we’re in protection mode, no learning is happening.

And this is why kids with “No” Brains: 

Resist novelty

Literally say, “NO” when asked whether they want to try something new

Stick to a limited set of activities

Seem rigid

Have meltdowns

Insist on sameness in their food, schedules, etc.

Won’t wear pants even when it’s cold outside

“Don’t like” the swings, or writing, or reading

Appear “shy”

Won’t kiss grandma when she comes over

Don’t want to be in a group of people

Don’t want to go new places

Don’t want to try new foods

If we understand that Orchids are dealing with a “No” Brain, we can start to have some compassion for them and their poor nervous systems. Remember that what we experience IS REAL FOR US, so even though there is no actual danger, your Orchid’s nervous system doesn’t know that. The danger is real for them, and no amount of ‘convincing’ is going to work.

But what to do about it? Just say, “I know, honey” and leave it there?

Well, no. Although acceptance and compassion are Step One, there are some things we can do to help our Orchids’ brains move out of their automatic “No” over time.

1. Take it slow. Offer novelty with lots of support. We talk a lot in our Raising Orchid Kids classes about the notion of the “Just Right Challenge”. And when we’re dealing with a “No” Brain, this is extremely important. Where can we get to a yes? When can we get to a yes? Maybe today we go and watch the dance class. Maybe this year we go and watch the dance class. Maybe this year we don’t register for the dance class at all. It’s all good.

2. Talk about how your child’s brain works briefly but frequently. Maybe not in the moment, but outside of the situation, you might mention: “Hey, I noticed that when we said we were going for a family walk, your brain told you it did NOT want to do that. But then, once we were out, you had so much fun”. And then leave it for next time.

3. Use Brain Talk. This is a concept I’ve been working on where we separate out the Child from their Brain from their Body, which allows us to point out how our Brains work (and how they sometimes lie to us and tell us unhelpful things). The example above is one example of how Brain Talk can work.

There’s an adage in the neuroscience world that “Neurons that fire together, wire together”. Which basically means that the thoughts we practice over and over become our beliefs and habits. For “No” Brains, practicing that “no” over and over strengthens the patterns of “no” moving forward. 

Ideally, we want to disrupt this pattern. 

Slowly, respectfully and in small chunks.

We want to point out the “Yesses”. We want to celebrate the wins.  We want to help kids learn how to turn their “No” Brains – if not into “Yes” Brains – then perhaps into “Maybe” Brains.

If you’re reading this wondering where to even begin, our Raising Orchid Kids: Practical Strategies class is a perfect solution. We talk about what to do when you’re confronted by your child’s “No” Brain and how to turn a “no” into a “maybe” (or even a ‘yes’). You get support from us and from other parents who understand exactly what you’re experiencing. And, you get practical strategies you can use immediately to help your child – and you – feel a whole lot better in the world.

xo G