“I’m too nervous!” fretted the child I was sitting across from. I was asking them to try something new – something they hadn’t done before. It was a bit of a risk. But it was a risk I was pretty sure they were ready to handle.

“It’s ok to be nervous”, I said, “and it’s ok to do the thing anyway.”

They took a breath… and did the thing.

And then they were SO PROUD of their accomplishment. 

Their grin stretched from ear to ear.

And that got me thinking:

If I had followed this child’s narrative about “I’m too nervous”, I would have held them back. I would have PREVENTED progress.

But, if I hadn’t provided a ‘just-right challenge’, I would have thrown this child into flight/fight/freeze/faint.

There’s a sweet spot here, and it comes from building trust, while also building success through manageable, bite-sized chunks of struggle.

Because we have to struggle in order to learn.

Grit comes from an irritant. By definition.

But we can’t learn in a state of too much stress.

For children with developmental delays and differences, it can feel so hard to know how to thread the needle between firm and lenient; between loving and having high expectations. 

Here are 3 things to remember:

1. It’s totally ok to have a “bad” feeling. Feelings just give us information.

2. We can acknowledge our feelings and take action anyway

3. We can allow a child to decide that they are NOT going to take action today

In my example above, there were some things that needed to be in place WAY before I made the request I made.

I needed this child to 1) trust me 2) feel like what I was asking was a just-right challenge 3) feel empowered to choose to either do it or not do it.

I needed myself to 1) wait long enough for kiddo to make a decision 2) not give up on them, and 3) trust that they would make the right choice for them.

The situation needed to be 1) prepped in advance with hours of trust 2) have enough ‘breathing room’ embedded into it and 3) manageable for the child.

Once the child made a decision, I needed to: 1) point out that they had made a great choice (irrespective of the choice they’d made) 2) point out that they know themselves best and can make good decisions for themselves and 3) would be able to try again later if it didn’t work out this time.

If your head is spinning right now, it’s ok. I’ve spent years honing this framework and applying to hundreds of different Orchid Kids to learn all sorts of new skills. 

I can help you do the same.

If you’re struggling with how to integrate the blend between leniency and firmness, between bootstrapping and supporting, you are not alone. This stuff is HARD!

Sometimes what you need is a coach to help you see what your brain is doing in those hard moments of frustration and hesitation and then make a plan for the next time it happens. Being prepared and becoming aware are some POWERFUL tools that we work on in 1:1 coaching.

If you’ve been wanting to try coaching but are feeling unsure about whether you would benefit, we can set up a 15-minute sample session and find out. We’ll chat on the phone about what’s going on and whether our working together might be a good fit. I’ve got 2 spots left. Is one of them for you?? If you think it might be, you can schedule a 15-minute sample session by clicking on this link.

xo G