The Gist:

• Shame is bad news for kids and parents

• Many of us were shamed as kids (and so we use shame on our own kids)

• Shame is particularly toxic for kids with any kind of learning or developmental challenges (diagnosed or not).

• Try the two strategies mentioned below and report back, will you?
  

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Brene Brown has a really clear way of explaining the difference between guild and shame. 

Guilt says: “I did something wrong and I feel bad about that thing”. 

Shame says: “There is something wrong with me and I don’t deserve love.” 

Guess which one we want to use and which one we don’t?

The problem is that many many adults grew up being shamed as children. And if that happens, we tend to use shame on our own children. 

Shame is a powerful feeling, and not in a good way. 

For very young children - particularly those with developmental or learning challenges - the feeling that there is something wrong with them develops very, very early. I’ve seen kids as young as 15 months old who have stopped trying to communicate because they know that they will fail. The feeling that something is essentially flawed about them is real for those kids. 

My primary job when I begin speech therapy is to help them overcome their feelings of helplessness, frustration and shame at not being able to communicate their needs and wants. That has to happen BEFORE I ask the kiddo to change anything else.

We have to show our kids with learning and developmental challenges in very explicit ways that they are worthy; that they are capable; that they are enough. Even as we help them acquire skills that they need to learn. 

This is the delicate balancing act of early intervention: to acknowledge areas of need and teach skills, while also making sure the kids know that they are enough regardless of their performance.

But how can we do that? How can we raise well-adjusted, well-behaved children without resorting to shame? 

Try just a small change in your wording:

Instead of saying:   

You are messy

You are rude       

You were bad

You are lazy   

You are loud

You are out of control   

You’re such an idiot   

You’re so clumsy   

Say:

You made a mess

You said something rude

You made a bad choice

You didn’t put enough effort into this

You are using a loud voice

Your behavior/body is out of control

You made a mistake

You tripped (or spilled, or dropped it)

Do those seem like inconsequential differences? 

What if I told you that the small change in wording might be the difference between having a closer relationship with your child right now AND in the future when they’re an adult?

What if I told you that the small change in wording might be the difference between your child’s resilience or depression in the face of difficult circumstances?

What if I told you that the small change in wording might be the difference between a child who decides to try harder instead of deciding to give up because they’ll never be good enough?

Will you try this tiny change in the words you use and let me know what happens?

Name-calling hurts too

Name calling is one way that shame is bred into people. I, for one, have been known to yell at other drivers from the ‘privacy’ of my car, “You’re such an idiot!” “You’re a terrible driver - get a clue” as well as other choice expressions. 

Repeatedly. 

While my kids were in earshot. 

oops.

We even do it to ourselves when we say, “ugh, I’m so dumb/careless/disorganized”. Negative self-talk (and negative driver talk) are just a couple of the insidious ways that shame seeps in and starts to corrode our own feelings of worthiness and confidence. 

But here’s the real kicker: the kids are listening! They’re soaking up all of that negative, shame-based talk.

If you’re having to remind your child frequently about name-calling (particularly among siblings -which is its own special kind of torture for everyone involved), it’s time to take a look at your own name-calling. What are you modeling? 

Finally, if thinking about shame, how adults use it on children, and how it was used on you has you feeling uneasy, I encourage you to explore those feelings. With a professional if necessary. It might be the piece you need to start experiencing a closer relationship to your children.

Because, as Brene Brown says, “We can’t raise children who are more shame resilient than we are.” 

All my best -

Gabriele

PS. For more information on Shame, check out Brene Brown’s Audible lecture on The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting.