The Gist: 

+Little kids feel frustrated A LOT of the time. And with good reason: they are constantly trying new things that they’ve never done before. 

+It’s super important to name that feeling!

+I teach you how to do this easily in my Toddler Talk online program for parents.

Read more:

If you’ve met a human lately, you know that humans are sometimes frustrated. If you’ve met a young child lately, you know that they are OFTEN frustrated.

Frustrated by something they can’t do yet.

Frustrated by something they’re not allowed to do yet.

Frustrated by other people telling them what to do.

You get the idea.

Frustration is a natural emotion that comes up when we have an idea of what we want, but we can’t quite figure out how to get it. For adults, this looks something like: 

I’d like to have more time in my day, but my boss expects me to arrive early and leave late from the office.

Feeling? Frustrated!

You get to the grocery store and they’re out of the only brand of milk your child will drink.

Feeling? Frustrated!

You’re late for pick up at the sitter and the traffic is ridiculous.

Feeling? Frustrated!

For most of us, feelings of frustration are temporary, and we can manage them without too much trouble. Sure, we might yell at times, but mostly we can keep doing what we’re doing and move through it. 

Because we know that eventually things will turn around.

Eventually, we’ll get to leave work (and possibly that job); eventually, the store will restock the milk; eventually the traffic will let up. 

We know because we’ve experienced it. 

Nothing lasts forever. Especially not feelings.

Not so for young kids. They don’t yet know that the object of their frustration will eventually pass. Here’s how it must feel to them:

I’m trying to reach that toy. I’m reaching, I’m crying, I’m wiggling, I’m pushing, I’m doing all the things. WHY can’t I reach it?? I’ll never be able to reach it! Never never never never!! I’ll never play with that toy again!!! 

Or

I really want a cookie. Cookies are delicious. I had a cookie once it was amazing. I really want one right now, but my adult is not giving me one. Maybe it’s because I’ll never have another cookie again, ever. Noooooooooooooooooo!

Or

My painting doesn’t look anything like the one I’m copying. I could see it so clearly how it should look, but I can’t make it look like that. I keep trying but it’s just getting more and more messed up and now I’ll NEVER have a beautiful painting, ever! 

This feeling of “now I’ll never…” is how frustration feels in the moment. We adults know it’s not permanent, but our young kids don’t. 

Remember, kids live almost entirely in the present moment.

Remember, kids have limited experiences with the world.

They’re still learning about cause and effect. 

About their own feelings.

And so, we have an opportunity when our child is frustrated. 

We can avoid, distract from, suppress and otherwise ignore the feeling our child is experiencing. (Which teaches them that the feeling is Bad and to be avoided).

Or, we can expand their “emotional intelligence” and teach them to name what they are experiencing.

To label it.

To call it out.

To get to know it.

And then to help our child understand that feelings come and go.

That they’re not an “always” thing.

Guess which option I encourage you to choose?

All my best -

Gabriele

PS. If your young child is experiencing frustration more often than you think they should, or more intensely than you might expect, consider reaching out to a speech therapist. Sometimes young kids are just frustrated, but there might be an underlying communication issue that is causing that frustration. 

PPS. If you’re struggling to explain “negative emotions” to your child in a constructive way, check out my Toddler Talk online program for Parents for strategies and tips on how to handle these.