A couple of weeks ago, we talked about the feelings of grief that can come with parenting Orchid Kids. Orchid Kids develop in ways that are different from many kids, and that can trick our brains into thinking that something is very wrong. That our feelings of grief are inappropriate, unnecessary and NOT a part of parenting. But the exact opposite is true: grief is actually a part of the journey for all parents. The timing, intensity and ‘flavor’ varies, but it’s always present.

Part of the reason it can feel hard to raise an Orchid Kid is because our brains are telling us that if we could just “fix” the part of our child that’s “wrong”, then we would be happy and so would they. Our brains tell us “It’s not fair” and that things should be different from the way they are. (and if you missed the “it’s not fair post, you can find it here.)

I have another experiment for you to try this week: The next time your child is doing something that you think they need to change or that you need to fix, allow yourself to feel the feeling of wanting to fix whatever’s wrong with your child in the moment and don’t do anything about it.

In other words, let your child do the thing and just watch yourself watching your child do the thing.

For example, some Orchid Kids talk too much. They take conversational turns that are too long. They don’t pay attention to what other people are interested in. Some Orchid Kids want to talk about the thing THEY want to talk about. So, the next time that happens, observe that happening and don’t try to fix it. Don’t jump in; don’t change the subject; don’t insist that they stop talking. 

And then observe yourself. Observe how you feel when your child is doing this. Chances are that your child feels just fine in this moment, and you are the one having all the drama.

Another example. Some Orchid Kids have a really hard time with transitions. They have major meltdowns when a routine is changed; when something unexpected happens; or when an event doesn’t go exactly the way they planned it.  As a part of the experiment, rather than trying to jump in to fix your child’s response to the change in routine, watch yourself wanting to fix it for them. Watch yourself amp up and prepare to rescue your child from the ‘catastrophe’. And then don’t fix. (DO sympathize with your child; DO acknowledge their feelings. Just don’t try and fix it for them.)

If you’re like most people, as you read that last part, you might have nodded and said, “I see what’s happening to me”, but then your brain continued (almost on its own!) by saying “but they NEED to LEARN”.

So, notice that response too. Notice how strongly your brain wants to help your child. And thank it for that! You’ve kept that Tiny Human alive with that instinct! Good work!!!

And then see if you can also notice that your response to your child in their moment of struggle is WAY more about you than it is about them.

The reason I’ve had you do this experiment is not to get to any kind of particular understanding. There’s no right or wrong answer. It is more about noticing how your response to certain situations plays. How it interacts with your child’s responses. How it either helps or hinders you. How it either helps or hinders your child. 

There might be times when you do stop your child from overtalking. There might be times when you don’t. 

There might be times when you let your child have a “do-over” so that they can press the elevator button that they ‘need’ to press. There might be times when you don’t allow that.

The actions matter less than the reasons from which you're taking the actions. Allowing your child to press the elevator button because you’re upset is different from allowing your child to press the elevator button because you calmly observe how upset he is and know that this will help calm him down. 

Stepping in to curb your child’s conversational turn and redirect his conversation because you’re anxious about how he’s being perceived is different from stepping in to curb your child’s conversational turn because you see that there’s an opportunity for him to practice this new skill.

Same actions but coming from different emotions.

Will you do this experiment in the next day or so and let me know how it goes? What do you notice? What’s hard? What’s easy? When did you observe? And when did you act?

I’d love to hear how it goes.

All my best -

Gabriele